Build-A-Bara is a dress-up game/dating sim where you can design a handsome gay man and take him on a date. The concept is a pun on Build-A-Bear Workshop and 'bara', a subgenre of Japanese art that focuses on masculine gay erotica. Unlike its counterparts, yaoi and shonen ai, bara is often created by and for gay men, the irony of which was not ... Dating rumors began to swirl back in February when Brad attended Jen's star-studded 50th birthday party in Los Angeles. 'It was a big night for Jen,” a source told People at the time. “The important people in her life gathered to celebrate with her. Brad fits into that group, and it was natural that he would want to come.” Dating.com is the Finest Global Dating Website In The World. Connect With Local Singles And Start Your Online Dating Adventure! Enjoy Worldwide Dating with Thrilling Online Chats And More! Brad Pitt has had encounters with Sienna Miller (2017), Julia Ormond (1993) and Sinitta (1987).. Brad Pitt is rumoured to have hooked up with Alia Shawkat (2019), Charlize Theron (2019), Ella Purnell (2017), Kate Hudson (2017), Karolina Kurkova (2007), April Florio (2003) and Demi Moore (1998).. About. Brad Pitt is a 56 year old American Actor. Born William Bradley Pitt on 18th December, 1963 ... That’s right — now players can choose from five equally-handsome anime men to assist with bra issues in “Karemin”, the dating sim designed to help users get a good night’s sleep. - The sim that cheated with the married/dating/engaged sim will become embarrassed, receiving a +5 embarrassed moodlet 'Caught Cheating With Married Sim' (for married sims) and 'Caught Cheating with Taken Sim' (for dating and engaged sims) that lasts for 4 hours ( it lasts for up to 16 hours if you have roburky's Meaningful Stories installed). Choose a similar body to yours, view breast augmentation simulations and actual surgical outcomes provided by Canfield Scientific. See plastic surgeons near you. Shop ThirdLove Bras. The best bra is one you never think about. Shop expertly designed t-shirt bras, strapless bras, lace bras & more in bands 30 to 48, cup sizes AA-I, including our 1/2 Cup™ sizes. I found this amazing flash program designed to help women find the right support for sports. Its obviously got waaay more potential than that! Skip the preloader and let me know what you think of this internet gem! Okay, okay, skip to the damn boo... The closest I can even think of, and it's not precisely a dating Sim, is The Sims 3. You can go on dates, serial-date, cheat, make out, live together, have sex (called woohoo in the game), marry, have kids, divorce, etc. So if you wanted to gear the game play towards strictly dating, that's really easy to do.
Hey this is edited... but you didn't know that. Originally I tried hoping into this all fun and quirky but it really felt like I was wasting time putting on a dumb little jig. If you want I can share an experience and most of the time I refer to Myself as her or she but one of my family members uses the wrong pronouns so occasionally I mess up and use he or him sometimes which is pretty understandable. Especially after referring to youself as such for over 15 years and just recently switching to the other pronouns but, and while its yknow a like easy mistake right? Anyone could've done it and it's not like I meant to and I'm secretly just pretending to be trans as like some shitty april fools joke, no thats not it at all. But the dysphoria can really really get bad sometimes and instead of me usually being able to keep up a self motivational cheer squad like I usually am my dysphoria kicked me while I was down like. Oh you probably referred to yourself as "he" because you're so ugly and thats all people will see you as on the outside and looking back now and hell, even just typing it out rn I'm just kinda like Hah can you believe this clown? Thats so silly when it obviously was a mistake and yeah it was but my brain just likes to cling to the past and showboat my flaws like medals and likes to rub it into myself that I'm not perfect. To be honest I'll probably go to sleep and wake up tomorrow good as new and a confident female but for now I'm still In a bad mood. Which is why I'm so uncomfortable. I've legitimately mastered the arts of comedy from quick witted funny dry remarks to snarky snide jokes to more cynical to more hmm randomized humor thats so random its funny. All of it.
I've become a comedical genius because at my core, I'm a really serious person and the things I say, I mean. 99% of the time. But, I just wanna share my story on how... uncovering I was a woman rocked me to my core.
So... where on earth do we even begin. I know! Uh... how about when I was around the age of... 12 or 13ish. Back around the time like ps4 was released maybe a year after release. I recently rekindled a relationship with my old pal matthew who... well always knew he wanted to be a guy or was a guy but just didn't know the name for it so he came out to me a late night in a ps4 party (voice chat).
I was so... well weirded out to say the least and it honestly confused me for a little bit for some reason I felt like he betrayed me as a friend but while talking with him for longer I was like. Ah... this really wasn't about me and it isn't his fault he's a man he's just doing it for him and I'm proud of him since it's cool.
So initially I was confused but accepting it took me a while to get used to calling him matthew but I did like after a few weeks since it didn't feel like anything changed between him and me. And ow sorry Chewing on my lips... like when im really upset or just idk in mental pain or anger I chew them. Don't worry I was thinking of something else.
We'll get there incase you're wondering. But I just wanted to Give backstory to well... everything.
But I can't really describe it because back then, I was intrigued with the concept of "transgender".
I didn't know why But I was.
But my parents (mom and stepdad) seemed to be transphobic referring to matthew as "it" and was like I don't want my child being next to that "thing" what if it makes my child transgender. So then I automatically got... well metaphorically fucked since that put in this toxic mindset that if I was a Girl My family would hate me. So my mindset was ok WE HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT CIS MALE AT ALL COSTS.
I didn't even wanna like imagine what if I was a girl or what if I was gay or anything I felt like I had to be the most
normal Person ever
or else... Sorry for the cheesy dramatic effect lol but its a nice touch don't you think?
Anyways back to the story. My family deadnamed matthew so I was just like s i g h on the inside of my brain and even stood up to my family in defense of matthew since he was human too and didn't deserve the disrespect.
But what this caused me was this big negative mindset that... really just cursed me. I acted as masculine as possible making any possible like dick jokes or basketball mentions or literally anything I was basically the human representation of toxic masculinity and to say the least. I felt horrible. Most people liked me but I was really just a shell of who I was like I've never been more exhausted talking to people when I was pretending to be someone I wasn't.
Ok lets move forward in the story, shall we?
So instead of like the egg usually just cracking it kinda exploded eventually one day, we'll get there but we gotta set the pieces first.
One day there was this bitchy group of girls at my school who would bully me and the main girl or the leader of the group... well... let's just say she was the least good looking of all of them and had the most like lengthy stick figure body too. So one day in a party call with matthew (we were playing Fallout 76 btw im not a fallout fan he is) I was like... hmph stupid Anonymous I'd make a better girl then she ever would and I'd be prettier too. Then my like toxic mindset rolled in to make sure my family didn't hate me since my brain realized what it had said and I here I shit you not I literally was like this, "ha... ha... I mean like I mean just because I'd love to be a girl since I think I'd be prettier or something I'm Totally still A guy I swear" and then my brain just like shit its pants a second later and was like... fuck it. Since I don't remember if it was before I defended the manliness I didn't have or not but I was doing my fucking damndest to sound like a girl and that was the first time ya girl was hit with euphoria. Like in my head when I was trying my best to do a feminine voice I was like, "o mai... i soun so coot" and was all fuzzy on the inside. Thats the time I was LEGIT happy in all my existence.
Right then and there!
And later after leaving the party I was just like to myself in my head, "oh fuck... oh god I'm a girl in a guy's body". If I'm also not mistaken I even looked at my leg hair and broke down crying in my bed crying since because I wasn't born a girl, I didn't get to be a girl. Since obviously I knew at that time Trans was a thing I just didn't wanna let myself be trans out of yknow rejection and everything just heavy egg like things. And my brain cause of also not feeling like I got to be who I was at the thought of my familys response I just like further ate my egg salad sandwich of denial. Heavy fucking denial. I was just like sob I wasn't born a girl... sob I just don't get to be one... sob it's not fair!!!!!
So I used the excuse I wasn't born one so I didn't get to be one to stop myself from being who I was and because of this I also stopped myself from ever being happy or truly happy and I always wondered back then why I wasn't able to feel this like constant happiness all the COOL kids were talkin' about and thought I was just broken or garbage since the only happiness I ever really got was from like my parents buying me a new video game I got to play which yknow the happiness only lasted like... what? 20 seconds. I mean I was contempt with the game it was fun but just because something is fun, doesn't mean it'll make you happy.
Which made me like assume I was a psychopath or sociopath or something ridiculous because of my lack of happiness since I just flat out refused me being a girl as a possibility and looking back I'm just like, "What are you? Fucking dumb! The answer was right fucking there!!". Lmao
But to be fair I was a fucking like... dense ass kid I was like peridot to where if it wasn't the logical solution I would accept it to be.
it didn't exist Like looking back and just really taking a trip down memory lane not only makes me pissed, also makes me thankful that I stopped being a brick wall and just let the egg hatch.
So is that what I meant when the egg exploded? No. Lord heavens no! I was gonna stay in that egg until I died an Unhappy death but. A miracle happened. I decided at the yknow startish of quaratine I started dating a girl and I mean she was sweet but she was a fucking mess Like I thought I was a mess and I mean... I was I definitely fucking was compared to who I am like the ginger of the past was fucking dead kiddo but this girl man. Like she was just... my god she was fucked. F to the straight fucking D my guy. I would tell You why but... The only person she ever told was me and it would feel like its not my information to give, I can't just give like away someones life as info for personal benefit thats so scummy it sickens me. So anyways her... ugh god awful life aside like I feel so bad for her. But luckily even tho she came from an absolute dumpster fire... she really, and when I say it really fucking helped me. She was just the extra push of confidence I really needed to break down my thick fucking wall and just accept it all and not live in denial anymore. So if You're out there somewhere, cookie. Thank you.
She wont be hear btw lmao I dumped her since she was flirting with others behind my back like She was tryna replace me so I was obviously like I don't give a fucc how bad yo life is. I got my own shitty life to solve and i dont need to cry over a asshole like you.
And to be fair I mean it I mean i still care about her somewhere in my heart I mean... for the love of god she gave me my literal happiness and set me free from my own prison but i think... i was unhealthy for her since she seemed to form more of a lets say "dependence" on me to be her source of happiness and yknow thats nothing legitimately anyone should deal with. Since that just makes it feel less like love and more of like a job that you have to be there for them. But I digress. Anyways the terrible mindset caused my by unaccepting parents isn't the only reason for why I've had a shit life but I don't care enough since this seems to be the most influential part of my life or my history. I've had a lot of shit happen though let me tell ya so this being my worst moment shares a lot of how potentially strong and difficult the trans people have it sometimes. And to be fair people probably had it worse to me so im sorry to those people who do.
And here can we give a quick moment of absolute silence as a tribute to them? The ones tasked with a difficult journey.
Ok, thank you. Sorry I just felt it was necessary.
Anyways back to the bizness. What happened was she was honest about how bad her life was and I slowly sad I was a lesbian in a dudes body and she got upset at the fact I wasn't being completely honest with her when she was with me which is completely fair since she didn't tell anyone that but... I never even told myself I was a lesbian or accepted it. I asked her if I could be me or act girly and I could and it was the happiest I ever was I just got to act like a sub lil cinnamon roll and I was just fucking living it up and felt like the queen of the universe.
I miss those moments... and she probably does to but to be fair I wouldn't take her back since... well I'm a prideful bitch. Plus... it was an online relationship so how much can you like miss someone? Like making one of those relationships work is like trying to make a 2 hour long fire out of a handful of gunpowder in Antarctica, I'm sorry chief but I think we're fucked is what I say to you in that situation.
But I digress it was one of the times I allowed myself to act girly and everything, literally everything flooded in at once and hit me like a truck.
All because one person let me be themselves with them, someone I could trust. God like can i say how cringe it is now to like say act girly around someone lmao like i have no problems acting femme fucking whatsoever now but with my legit cursed mindset back then acting girly was like a ice cold vanilla milkshake on a summer day.
Heavenly to say the least. But anyways story plot go!
When I say "everything hit" i mean everything landed. All. Of. It.
When I was 5 back in Michigan back at a log cabin by a lake (not michigan lake) there were my grandmothers like heels I think lying around? So I like put them on and wore them around and even at that extremely young age my euphoria was like a heavenly choir just going ham.
And when I was at the age that I was told boys don't wear heels or something back in michigan I was like the mario "d'oh..." or the "OOf" like high pitched noise he does. My heart sank and I was sad from that moment and was like "o...k" I've never been a flip flop girl tho maybe because my flip flops were yucky blue and not the chad pink with flowers lmao. Since obviously i got boy flipflops :l idk i think i did they were either dark blue or black and my hatred for them was legit MAD.
But i saw my cousins flip flops which were all colorful and girly and my brain was at that time like I didnt have any words or thought in my brain but my head seeing those was like "oh..." like the type of Oh you give when you realize oh thats nice like you just see something and it pleases you deeply. Idk how to explain it man, i was a kid and all my thoughts and memories are fuzzy ngl. But I remember my triplet cousins (all girls) were wearing bikinis and I have no clue as to why (yes i do) but at the time I didn't i saw my cousin mckenzie bragging about her padded bikini top that made it look like she kinda had boobs going on I was just always like ᴹᵃʸᵇᵉ ᶦ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈ ʷᵉᵃʳ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ˡᶦᵏᵉ ᵗʰᵃᵗˀ
Nothing like major like world dominance levels confidence but yknow it was like a hint of my girliness. Nowadays like if I had boobs... man (not on any hrt yet) id be exactly like
"SURRENDER THE BIKINI MEATBAGS!" im just like recalling like how i did back in those ages btw if i didnt say that enough like legit Now id just see a bikini and be like... give that to momma 😍.
Yknow. But back then i was like Maybe i could wear the cutesy wutesy things.
And i remember my cousins or maybe it was my step sister and step mom getting there nails painted fourth of july colors and style and i was filled with SOOOOOO much anger i was like
WHY CANT I HAVE MY NAILS PAINTED.
I didnt say anything about it at all because i knew they probably wouldnt let me since i was a boy™️
When like im just being honest ive never felt like a male in my life to any capacity. Thats just the honest to god truth.
And my cousins have always been cool and shit i wonded what their reaction would be to me coming out as a girl would be... i wonder if they'd be cool or just really distant. Which I personally think would be really sad since i love all of them so much. Since this fat kid called Garrett used to bully me but my cousins stood up for me and that made me so happy.
My brain back then was secretly was like "yes im apart of the girl crowd now... henlo" i was happy gorl.
I mean they didnt know shit since well I was extremely fucking quiet back then while im kinda a loud mouth extrovert now tbh.
Finding who i am... or well technically just accepting or realizing who i am just gives me so much confidence. And just euphoria and happiness tbh my family is accepting at least my mom and step dad idk about my fathers side and tbh idc. And i just feel like i can rule the world tbh. I mean im wearing girl clothes rn minus a bra and panties (yes i realize i would have to or should wear a gaff technically but im not on hrt dont @ me bro but i also have my nails painted pink) its just so nice yknow just so much euphoria and I love it.
Oooooo and girl socks cannot forget the girl socks.
I'm just such a happier person on the inside now than ive ever been my entire life and it feels like after being shackled to a 2 ton weight all my life Ive gotten it taken off and get to run free.
Heres the part where I throw in extra hints to me being a girl so: yeah here ya go.
Uhm when i went to matthews house for the like second or third time and it was just me and him i forced him to watch a playthrough of doki doki literature club. Which if you dont know is a cute meta poetry dating sim style game mixed in with horror. So its pretty girly. Or weeb i guess.
Im not saying guys cant like poetry or anything but poetry is kinda girly I mean im great at writing im a writer tbh but i suck bad at poetry.
But i think its pretty and i like poetry when done right.
Oh yeah i fucking cried a lot for girl and guy standards combined. I would cry everynight before going to sleep no clue as to why but maybe like my subconscious brain just knew how much i was suffering or gonna suffer and just wanted the sweet release of death.
But yeah man like when I cry, i cry fucking hard and for fucking hours too like ive cried for an hour before multiple times. I make midoriyas and spongebobs crying look fucking WEAK. Lol dont ask how i can flex my crying skill like that. Its a seeqwet.
And Tbh I feel like I can balance A... satirical and well sarcastic vibe with a wholesome and cute vibe pretty well.
But yeah I cried a l o t.
Uhm oh yeah another reason for me to not transition was my mom told me that my father didnt want me if I was "special" or a girl so yeah that totally didnt make me wanna cry.
Since i know its true my dad aint the nice type. He abused my mother and is the clinically insane type.
Me being accepted is one FAT big NOPE.
At least by him and idrc but idk just felt like pointing it out. It just felt like the universe didn't want me to be a girl or said i couldnt and everyone talked about like myeh myeh myeh being a girl is sooooooo horrible. Meanwhile im wearing heels and im like eh the pain from walking a mile wasnt fun but the euphoria is still worth it. And dont worry ive got my foot strength up im good.
But yeah its just not bad at all i mean then again i dont have to deal with my period but maybe if i pass well enough i can tell people im on my period so they fuck right off. Or i get an excuse to exit the class and play on my phone in the bathroom. (I wouldnt actually do the second one since thats legitimately dumb it was a joke chillllll.) But the downside to not having a period is i cant bear children so im just kinda like... fuck. Yknow? I mean technically i I theoretically could have children if i like store my... shit yknow the things the doctors ask if i wanna have "MY KID" and like fuck that im not performing that action to have kids. Do you want my dysphoria to have a pizza party? Yeah fuck that ill just adopt. Like why is everyone so bummed about adopting? They're your kids dude its just not you who made them. Is that a hard concept to grasp? I feel like if you cant love an adopted kid you shouldnt have kids.
This is a long ass post huh? If only my tits were as big as this post was. I wouldn't even be able to fucking walk lmao.
But anyways ive always hated my deadname and like I never knew why exactly yknow but i mean i do now. I just thought it was because my biological dad was an asshole but nah.
Ive actually always loved c names tbh like Cindy cynthia cassie. All beautiful names in my book You: well ginger if you love girl names that start with the letter c... why ginger?
Well random citizen its actually a funny story. I had this favorite game I used to play which was a streetball game on ps4 with like 30 characters and was free to play there were like 15 girls and 15 boys so i was like... heyyyyyy what if i picked my name.... through the game. And gingers brain was like GENIUS.
so basically there were only really two choices for me out of all 15 and that was cindy and ginger OOP FORGOT CARLA WAS A NAME (love that name too lmao). Oops sorry got distracted but like and like cindys a fucking cute name dude if i have a little girl definitely would love to name her cindy. But i won't which sucks 😔. But it never felt like me yknow ginger felt more like YEAH THATS GOOOOOOD.
plus I didnt wanna go to like a baby name website and cherry pick like the "perfect name" yknow i wanted to leave it up to more of like a gamble of faith and like tbh i really shouldnt have been tasked with the ability to like make my own name my decision lmao. I just wanted it to feel more like a random name a parent gave to me instead of me picking a name. But to be fair like if you played the game so much how come you havent already had an idea in mind... well i was taking a break from it tbh so there were new characters added and one was ginger and my brain was like OOoOoOo.
Because i didnt realize that before i asked the question of what my name should be from the game since the only one i really loved at the time was cindy so... if the name ginger or character wasnt there it wouldnt have been ginger time probably it probably wouldve been cindy time. And tbh i dont mind that i love both names, and in some opposite universe i am cindy and thats ok but im ginger tho😎👌.
But in retrospect i call some trans people weird when i legit did the parallel animal crossing villagers do to move on your island in name form i literally made up a game just for it like wtf ginger? Got anything to say for yourself
N a h Cause i don't regret a damn thing lmao i love my name.
But another one last thing that kinda could be a hint or prove im a woman. Yknow how when girls obsess over babys they can talk about baby names for hoursssssss. Yeah i can do that. Obsessed with kids man ive decided id wanna name a boy id have either colt or matthew after yknow my friend or like my daughter cindy over the name i didnt have or hmmmm maybe kim its a cute name.
Im just really picky with names man so its probably good i gave myself such a limited random chance game since i swear to you i wouldve picked my name for hours.
And thats fine but like i dont wanna waste all day picking my name yknow. That aint ginga'
But thanks reader! For sticking with me this far you get the highest honor I can bestow to you
Please wear this medal responsibly
A bunch of my friends are basically weebs. Like they aren't full-blown, they aren't cat people or anything, they just like Japanese stuff. Like 90% of the time they're fine, but occasionally they say or do something that REALLY bothers me. I try my hardest to be open minded. I try to be the best friend I can be. I try to be kind, but maybe I'm just failing to understand what they're doing. Last night they posted a picture of a character in a "bathing suit" which was a two-piece suit with a transparent bit over her stomach. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the way she was drawn was incredibly sexualized. I asked if she was wearing lingerie, because that's what it looked like. They told me it was a bathing suit, and I said "same thing." They were very bothered by this. Like sure, obviously there's a difference between bathing suits and lingerie, but in this case, it is basically the same thing. The only difference is lingerie is cloth and bathing suits are like a synthetic plastic/rubbery materiel. The top of a two-piece bathing suit is just a rubber bra, and the bottom are just thick plastic panties. I'm just sick of the horny shit they post, acting like it's just par for the course. Sexy stuff has a place, it's just they just post that shit. I don't mind sexy characters, it's just what they're used for. When I watch a TV show, I want a compelling story. If someone wants to be aroused, that's what porn is for. There's no reason to waste my time in a perfectly good story by interrupting it with something to make me horny. I don't mind attractive or sexy characters, it's just what they're used for. You can use sexiness as a plot element. If the point of a scene is "this character is sexy, so this is how it affects their interaction with other characters," that's fine, but I don't like it when the point of a scene is "this character is sexy, you should find them sexy. Look at how sexy they are." If Avatar: The Last Airbender was more anime-ish, Katara would have massive breasts and wear very revealing clothing. They might have a scene where Sokka makes a joke that he'd hit that if she wasn't his sister. They'd have a scene where Aang accidentally grabs Katara's tit, then he gets horny so he grabs it again on purpose, pretending it was an accident. That doesn't further the plot. It's not interesting. It has no place in a story. I don't like characters that are just eye-candy, or the weird shit they have in anime. Katara is pretty, sure, and there are plot elements which point that out. But the purpose of a scene is never "the audience should find Katara attractive."
Then today they were literally talking about a hentai dating game openly. They were just casually chatting about who they romanced and how far they got. I don't want to know that shit. I don't mind a romance game, we played a dating sim the other day, and that was fun, and it wasn't problematic. The characters were simple, but fun, and they suited the purposes. There weren't any lewd poses, cause it was just for a bit of fun.
Ive been NC for about 5 months now. To her I literally moved out from one day to the next, even though she expressly requested I would notify her ahead of time (Why? So she can last minute deny me access to my stuff? Or take this last opportunity to break me a bit more? Or ask me for my new address under threat of taking my stuff from me? Eff off.) I really just want to get my story with her out there, and there may be a lot more stuff than people might consider relevant, but Ill just go through stuff chronologically.
My nMom actually used to be quite okay when I was little actually. Not exacty mom of the year, but she did stuff and wasnt entirely unreasonable usually. But she was also the main deliverer of slaps to my face (or butt when i was a toddler) to the point where I actually tried hiding under my table when I was 6. Soon after slapping children became illegal (I live in germany) as its technically assault, so my nMom stopped...for a while. Things were fairly bearable for a while. My dad was actually a fairly decent person, if a little stuck in old ways (didnt participate much in housework, watched sports, that kind of old ways), so he wasnt a huge participant in raising me, but we did lots of stuff together (watching Formula 1 races for example). Overall though I came up as a relatively self-sufficient child for a while, spending a lot of time entertaining myself with my very own Computer (usually playing a racing game) or Legos..or something else. When I was around 12 my parents came up with the idea of rather than continue renting their 3 bedroom flat until the end of time, they would become homeowners and build a house. Of course on basis of a huge loan. Turns out the agency we had been to was a bit on the shady side, and the guy in charge of construction was actually the father of my childhood friends (divorced and mom had custody since ever), and we soon figured out they were kind of taking money and running out the back door with it. The house still got built, but it was definitely not on time, cost more than anticipated etc. and having to pay rent for longer didnt help financing it. That was kind of where their marriage started cracking. The entire house put more of a strain onto their finances than was feasible so my nMom took on a second job (she worked part time as a hairdresser while my dad worked shifts as a police officer), and after a year or so my parents started having fights, some of which I caught a few lines of. A repeating pattern, that I at the time didnt notice, was my nMom throwing herself in front of a train (not literally). Essentially she will infer that my dad thinks badly of her in such a way that you cant really deny it, or youre just facepalming to hard at the mental gymnastics to deny it, and she will take that as confirmation and play the victim and guilttrip. Example: nMom: So youre expecting me to spread my legs so you can fuck me? (obviously implying shes only good for sex)
I didnt even hear any answer, but fights were fairly intense after a while, though the only one I ever heard shouting was my nMom, and Id hear complaints from her about how she worked her ass off to keep everyone fed, and all kinds of stuff, some nitpicky, some outright wrong. My dad seemed to quietly endure it as I can imagine he was quite fed up with that BS. Those fights were also quite often in my dads office, which was his little retreat, so my nMom probably sought him out to start the fights. One night a fight breaks out again, in that office, late at night while Im in bed like a good 13 y/o son, and all of a sudden my mom just comes in my room and just tells me to pack my things and that were leaving, giving me no time to object or even process the situation. She somehow had a 2 bedroom apartment ready ahead of time apparently (she probably planned that apartments are kind of hard to get, even harder on short notice, but I didnt realize that at the time) to move into. So I had my own room there again, so at least that way okay, but shit with my nMom started to hit the fan for me then. To be fair, I was kind of a messy person to begin with, was as a child, still was as a teen. Thing is my grades dropped sharply when i was 11/12, and I was kind of in a depression hole with more or less the start of puberty, so bad grades and a messy room wouldnt be much of a surprise...if anyone had noticed that. I wasnt ever really diagnosed. My moms armchair diagnosis was that I was addicted to video games. That was around the same time a school shooting happened in Germany (we had like 2 in my lifetime), so video games were given a bad name in media and suddenly offers of "therapies" against being addicted to those horrible "killer-games" cropped up, so thats probably where she got it from. Of course I tried to just reasonably explain to her that Im just playing these games because I have little else to do thats fun, but of course she ignored that explanation...even though she spent a ton of time on her PC as well. Things became worse. My nMom doesnt take well to being ignored, even less to being argued with, so arguments because fights, except they were horribly lopsided. My nMom would deliberately shout at me to the point where I would pretty much be inclined to shout back out of sheer panic, and then would reprimand me for my agressive tone. Same would happen to any valid argument Id make, always some excuse, like her having more life experience...as long as she wouldnt have to accept being proven wrong. After all, I was just defending my goddamn addiction to video games, so of course Id look for any excuse to keep going, and my room was messy, too. There were several times I was grounded from using my PC for one or two weeks (of course I could still go out, because thats what healthy kids do), with cheap tricks like taking my power cord (not knowing I had a spare). She also started having the weird habit of, when she would be home, to just calmly stay right in my open door and just observe me for a while until either I would look behind me (my PC faced away from the door naturally) or she would lose her patience and get my attention...and then naturally start another fight arguing how much I sink into my games, so much that I forgot everything around me (That tends to happen with people reading newspapers as wel, and that moreso tends to happen if those people wear headphones). How often she did that was quite unnerving, especially considering there was no logical reason I could give for her to stop doing that, and it would lead to a fight no matter what, with my only option is basically agreeing to everything to limit the damage. Apparently being on the PC all day is a crime worth death to my mom. Unless she does it. There is a few interesting things I want to point out during that time as well.
For one, we had a whopping 2.000kBit/s internet connection, 240 kBit/s upload btw. I tried bringing up the point that the connection was horribly slow, and simply insufficient for 2 people, and that there were offers on TV commercials that would literally multiply connection speed for the same price. "Then go pay for it", like from what pocket money? The 5€ a month you dont even give me unless I specifically come to you and ask for them? For two, my nMom had a dating phase then, going through several boyfriends. One of them was a stalker, the other I plain didnt like, but one or two were nice, and I wasnt particularly against the idea of my mom having a boyfriend. It lead to a little neglect on my side, especially when she would leave for a solid weekend at a time to visit them, so I would have to cook my own food and stuff. But to be honest, I liked it more that way as my nMom would be off my back for a while, so I could use my spare power cord undisturbed. For three, I actually never brought home a girlfriend. When I was 16 my mom took note of that and started poking in that direction, and I was not comfortable with it. Not that she cared. She even asked me a few times if I was gay, and that she would accept that (in Germany thats really not a problem with most people), and even prompted (aka subtly forced me) to go to a disco 2 or 3 times. Like what am I gonna do there? 16 is a legal age to be in a Disco until midnight and drink beer, but neither was something I was interested in, or, as I found out, could even stand for long. But I wasnt gay. I was just a miserable pile of depression that barely managed to exist without even knowing why. I was attracted to girls, of course, but something was wrong on my end that made me not want to get into a relationship. Something I could neither express nor figure out. And it wasnt my nMoms treatment of me, though that certainly didnt make it better. And last but not least: I kept contact with my dad. Sure, my nMom took every opportunity to badmouth him to the point it became implausible, but I wasnt denied contact, so I regularly visited him over the occasional weekend and we did stuff, like going to a Museum, or even a race track. Nothing big, but it was a very nice change of pace and I could take my PC with me, just had to hook it up to a different monitor (CRTs were kinda big), but my dad was always nice to me and treated me with the respect of a human being. He still lived in that house, but overall his life remained astonishingly static, at least that was my impression. He didnt pursue another relationship (my nMom specifically asked me about it once or twice), and the only worry on his mind seemed to be his upcoming retirement. I also only ever had maybe 2 fights with him in my life, but with him I always felt like he had good reason if he was mad.
Eventually things got so heated with my nMom, specifically she threatened to throw my PC out of a second story window, that I called up my dad and moved in with him a week later. It was also him who convinced me to tell my mom that I would move out, because my nMom moved out without warning and he wanted me to handle things better than she did.
Living with my dad went better than my nMom tried to make it out. She said it wouldnt be like the weekend visits, because there was always some event on these weekends, but living there full time wouldnt be any better than living full time with her, it would just switch my parents roles around. That was not so, my dad was cool with me and I had no problem with his shifts often leaving me to fend for my own lunch or dinner as I was already used to cooking frozen foods. In fact a lot of things were quite a lot better than they ever were. While my dads role in raising me previously had been somewhat passive, he became a lot more proactive in little ways, like taking me with him to the store, talking to me about what to eat and generally just including me in those kinds of things rather than just trying to have us both leave lives that are mere tangents to each other. Mysteriously though my lifestyle didnt change that much, I still hung out on my PC a lot and was still overall more depressed than not. It was better, but the root cause wasnt solved. I by the way pretty much entirely declined visiting my nMom. Wounds were deep and all, and to be honest I was just afraid of that woman.
Then my dad died.
It happened suddenly. I just heard a loud thump and when I went downstairs my dad was lying on the ground, his head bleeding. He had a heart attack, he probably just hit his head when he fell down. The medics couldnt save him anymore I was 19. He had recently celebrated his 60th birthday.
I was pretty devastated for a while, though as far as deaths of close relatives go, I wasnt as broken as I would have expected myself to be. 60 years is young for a heart attack, but given his constant smoking it wasnt that unlikely in retrospect. Besides, people die. There is nothing you can do afterwards to change that. You can only honor their memory, maybe get a memento. But most importantly you just continue your own life, and thats what I tried to do, rather than whaling and struggling against the fact that my father had died. Of course I wished he had lived longer, but he had a fairly full life that he can be proud of, he even managed to retire.
That was when my nMom started to make moved again. I called her the same night to tell her. She actually tried to support me. In this case I really had zero life experience on how to deal with inheriting a house and a substantial amount of debt that was still on it. I hate to say it, but she helped a lot with getting the house sold and organizing a...aid in lack of a better term. I dont know if there is even remotely an american equivalent to get the concept across, but basically we have some charity organisations that have people just dedicated to helping people in difficult situations through bureaucracy (the one thing thats truly horrible in Germany), and this case definitely qualified. It was thanks to that person I could also avoid moving back in with my mom, finding me a place to live elsewhere that I could afford on social welfare. Even though my nMom had been nicer to me than ever, I still didnt feel comfortable around her at all. Some instinct in my brain just kept considering her a threat more than anything else. Nonetheless, I lived in that place for 2 years. I discovered cosplay, and I also got much more into anime, particularly a obscure gender-bender anime had intrigued me...to put it mildly, so I decided eventually to put some money together and cosplay the main character on GamesCom...in his female form. I enjoyed it, in ways I couldnt quite describe yet. I even got a little out of my depression, suddenly having had this little thing I could work towards to spend even only a single day in those shoes, even if I couldnt put into words as to why this was such a huge change. Meanwhile my nMom continued treating me almost overly nicely. My mistrust eroded very gradually, I even told her about me cosplaying. Then, about the same time two things happened: I realized I was transgender. Realization doesnt even begin to describe it. I had weird dreams all damn week until one morning I just felt like a train had run me over and flung me in bits over half the country and I began puzzling things together, then going into denial about it, then repuzzling it, coming to the same conclusion, about a dozen times every second. I was in complete shock for the next weeks. The other thing was that I was thrown out of my apartment due to a cockroach infestation...which I may or may not have had a part in. I was pretty messy, but the whole floor was infested and the other 2 people were no less messy.
I had no other choice than to move back in with my mom. She still lived in the same place as before, but what used to be my room was now her bedroom, which meant that I had to sleep in the living room on a foldout couch that was probably older than me. In case you wonder: Living room means the room my mom will in all earliness go to first thing after making coffee, turn on the TV *and* PC in that room, and happily start smoking. I never liked cigarette smoke, in fact I hated it quite a lot, but it was never a particular problem unless I was in the same room for a prolonged amount of time. Which was now the case. Not to mention that TV and PC noises dont exactly help with sleeping. Of course my nMom demanded I find a job ASAP, while at the same time refusing me to even bring my own PC into the room, saying hers should be good enough (it was crap, and I hate using another persons PC), it took me nearly a year to get it through to her that it would be better for me to use my own PC because, guess what? My stuff is on it, including some earlier applications and resumes, which are kinda useful. I also took the time to take first steps towards transitioning properly. My nMom was accepting of me being transgender, though she obviously struggled with the concept, and didnt really offer any actual help with it apart from giving me an old bra... it took nearly a year to even get an appointment with a psychiatrist and a year after that to get the letter for hormones. My nMom got worse again after that, having to endure me being on my PC in a place where she can see me must be much worse for her, or something. She demanded more and more that I would get a job, and indeed I got a few, but apart from her having no excuse to take my PC, she still apparently felt horribly neglected and called me ungrateful for not thanking her enough for generously taking me in. Not sure what she was expecting, but the only feasible thing is to literally without context go "Oh by the way mom, thanks for allowing me to live in whats literally a corner of the living room with zero privacy while you also keep me from sleeping properly with the damned TV." Another thing my mom took issue with was me being messy. For one I really wasnt as much on an uptrend anymore in terms of depression, so I simply didnt have the energy to really deal with sorting paperwork and other crap. The other was that I literally didnt have anywhere to put my stuff. Not all stuff, I couldnt even fit stuff I daily needed, so I expanded over half the couch table. I ended up going out, partly just to avoid my nMom, but there was a hitch. I was increasingly dissatisfied with having to deal with people, while putting on the mask of being male. This was even before my first psych appointment mind you, but I had my hair grown out barely enough to make the tiniest ponytail, got feminine clothes on Amazon and, at first very scarcely, went out as female, outing myself to people, going to meetups. After only half a year of even knowing I was trans. It was a huge step, but I was free for at least a few hours at a time. Dealing with misunderstandings was a nuisance, I didnt pass as female for shit, especially with my voice, but people treated me well. My mom also acted supportive, as long as she didnt have to actually help me. All I got were superficial gestures. A huge box of cheap makeup for Christmas and Birthday were her support, but misgendering me in public as well and brushing it off when I explain to her why thats bad (in that case the third person, a shop clerk, was biting his tongue not to gender me, and once my nMom misgendered me followed her example). She also frequently ignored that, due to lack of sexual interest in men, I considered myself a lesbian. Eventually I even managed to find a simple untrained shitjob, but I could do it as female and it earned me money...of which my mom guilt-tripped me into letting her have 200€ a month, but it was reasonable considering I made around 1000€ a month and am generally not a materialistic person. Its just the way she demanded it. "And what about meeeeeeee?! Am I not worth anything to you? Are you that ungrateful?" But I still ended up getting more and more dissatisfied with the progress of my transition. I had been seeing a psych for a long time by then and hormones didnt even seem in sight. Being transgender and going out there as female while literally 0% of me even looked female wasnt just an inconvenience. I felt like I had a target painted on my back saying "Please discriminate!", and I felt like it was justified, like I had nothing of substance justifying me using female restrooms, that in every physical sense I was still a guy. I still had testosterone running wild in my system, gradually causing body hair, erections would remind me my genitals were still there several times a day, and generally it just made me feel like I wanted to scratch my own skin off. I was moody, sometimes barely suppressing my irritability, once even taking days off, because my irritability was simply off the scale. I even thought of suicide. Then I got my letter. I could get on hormones within 2 weeks later. From one day to the next my entire mentality, my emotional workings did a 180. I was finally feeling at peace with myself. I knew things would come. I was ecstatic when first nipple and breast pains set in, not because I was a masochist, but because it signified the beginning of breast growth. Scraping anything with my chest was painful enough to make me curse, but I was happy.
Then I got Crohns disease. Anyone who knows what it is knows how nasty it can be, and my first encounter with it was worse than most. I didnt know what I had and carried it around without complaint until I once nearly collapsed at work from the sheer pain. I ended up in the hospital three times in a row. The first time my intestine already was a size that, if it had been the appendix swollen to the same size, it would have long exploded, so I was, in a way, lucky it wasnt that. Treatments didnt work nearly as well as they should, so they decided to do surgery and cut out the affected part of my intestine. I lost my job due to this as well. And my nMom visited me once in something like 30 days of hospital. That was just about her entire amount of support in that matter. For those of you who dont know about Crohns disease, it is basically a auto-immune disease where the immune system attacks the intestine itself, causing a large scale inflammation and swelling, that will spread and get worse over time. Depending on where the inflammation is it can appear at a glance to be similar to a appendicitis. If untreated or treatment is insufficient (as in my case it just progressed too far) the inflammation will continue spreading, cysts will form (essentially the intestine forming shortcuts between loops of it in a misguided attempt to heal up again), and eventually can burst. It can also close up entirely, meaning food will not at all progress through it anymore, including stomach acid, that would normally be directed into the intestine, will instead build up in the stomach itself up to the point where one would violently throw up (which is in itself dangerous, imagine stomach acid in your lungs), which happened to me. Side story about that (bit disgusting, so skip it if you want): The standard treatment for a blocked intestine is a stomach probe, essentially a tube inserted through the nose down into the stomach that allows the stomach acid to flow out into a bag, so I dont have to violently throw up without warning Getting a tube shoved through the nose isnt pleasant at all, but as long as I dont die from my own vomit... It kind of had the opposite effect, as the tube would repeatedly move around my throat, hitting that particular spot that, when touched, will make you throw up. So I threw up half a dozen times before I finally could convince the nurse to take the damned thing out on the condition that I would just try my best to vomit on my own volition to prevent one big catastrophic one later, which actually worked, though involving me standing over a bowl half an hour at a time, noisily trying to throw up with a mediocre rate of success. Sidestory over. Another thing worth mentioning is that the disease is chronic, meaning its never really over. I got over the outbreak, but its still dormant and can break out again. Factors that can make that happen, or make an existing outbreak worse, are spicy food or large amounts of stress. I made sure to tell my nMom about that last part.
The end of it was that I was left without money and recovering from a major surgery, I could barely even walk. Before I at least had child support for myself to pay for groceries (I got too old for that), but living with my mom and being under 25 still meant i could quite literally not request social welfare for myself. My nMom had to do it for me. She didnt. Have you ever tried getting around with literally zero money? I mean, I can get along with very little money, but this is just magical. I had to depend on her for EVERYTHING. Beg for every little thing. Money for my hormones (like 10-15€ a month), money for food (water and bread seems a fitting analogy), money to go to my psych and endocrinologist (just the train ride, 10-15€ per appointment), every little goddamned thing. And my nMom even refused half of them because i should ask "ahead of time" and she didnt have the money at the moment. Well good, the appointment is tomorrow, so you have plenty of time to wire the money to my bank account online, or withdraw it from the ATM 5 minutes away, right? Ah, no, shes not gonna do that with her limited time. No justification. Apparently Candy Crush is more important. A lot of appointments got cancelled because of that. Not all but a lot. Denying someone access to medical help, even if its routine stuff, is a dick move. At one point, at the end of my money I was literally just buying the cheapest effing pasta available, just to get the most meals for my buck, and my nMom actually casually ate those. Way to go, eating a broke persons food. One time a fight broke out so fucking badly. My nMom pulled every insult she knew, threw herself in front of every train possible (yep, she started pulling the same tactic on me, too), and topped it off by screaming, and I quote: "IF YOU NEED TWENTY EURO SO BADLY (to take the train to the endo) GO TO THE TRAIN STATION AND GIVE SOMEONE A BLOWJOB!" My own mother. Told me to prostitute myself. To get to a fucking doctor. Did I say she topped it off there? Actually no. She also screamed something about her one day picking up a kitchen knife and stabbing me from behind, though I cant get the entire context together again anymore. A literal death threat. From my mother. Why am I surprised? Oh right, you think it cant get any worse? She told me to pack my bags too and threw me out, knowing I had no place to spend the night. Knowing my budget was literally 3€, give or take. Knowing it was very late Saturday evening. I called through all the homeless shelters, even went to be police, asking if they could at least let me have a cell for the night (god knows, drunk people get one if they cant make it home and get picked up by the police). Well, no luck with any of these avenues. At all. I stayed awake the whole night in the train station, mostly because it was close, open at night and wasnt quite as cold as the actual outside. All that was just my nMoms gamble that I would come home the next morning and grovel before her with an apology and admission of defeat. Her gamble played out. I had no alternatives except to go full homeless, never see any of my stuff again, lose access to any medical help for transitioning, lose access to getting a job and probably just end up dead one way or another. But it wasnt without cost for her. I lost my last respect for her. The last bit of hope that she really did things out of love, the last bit of doubt that she was a heartless bitch. No sane mother would risk their childs life, to prove a point, to demonstrate that their child is dependent on them, to literally just try and break them to the point of submission. I was sold on moving out at any cost.
Upon her insistence I took a job delivering newspapers, between 4 and 6 AM. It was a small job, not full time, not even part time, but it payed barely enough that I could sustain myself, and it was in walking distance, so I didnt need a bus pass. Naturally, it messed up my sleep rhythm. The only rhythm that was even remotely sustainable is to go to bed when my nMom does, 11 PM, or so, sometimes past 12 (she wouldnt turn off or turn down the TV even if I tried going to bed any earlier), then get up with a dozen alarms to effectively wake up at a random time between 4 and 5 AM, then do my job until close to 7 AM (an hour later than what I should finish, and that was consistent), and then get home at 7:30 AM, right when my nMom gets up, and I go straight to sleep, or at least try, while she will run the TV at normal volume all the way until 9 or 10 AM when she leaves for work. She would also smoke during that time and play Candy Crush on her PC. Quite literally everything that would keep a person from sleeping. Then she would come home during her lunch break, either 1 or 2PM for an hour, she literally worked right around the corner, and most often I would still be asleep by then, or feign being asleep to avoid confrontations, much to my nMoms dismay, claiming I slept too much. Well, excuse moi, but I have to sleep in two halves, which by itself isnt exactly the recommended sleep rhythm, but I also have to endure roughly 3 fucking hours of soap operas every morning, so maybe try and subtract those first, before judging how much I sleep? Of course, that tone wouldve gotten me kicked out yet again, so naturally I told her everything in the polite voice of a news anchor, which she didnt like either, but on the inside I didnt really give a fuck anymore. I gave her the lip service she wanted, treated her with all the respect she didnt deserve, remained calm on provocations, swallowed every single word she might disagree with. Of course, it wasnt good enough. I was deeper in my depression than ever, I literally only cleaned up after myself under direct threat, stayed in bed as much as I could, and the only effort I took towards finishing my job on time was to pick out the people who complained about late newspapers and deliver those first and deliver the rest in normal order. Eventually I would pass my 25th birthday and finally apply for my social welfare, which would add on top of my low earning job, and my nMom would promptly guilt-trip me into giving her the same 200€ a month again (even though I had less than half the money now), and I would agree, and then mysteriously forget it. Repeatedly. Instead I saved up the money to move out. She was of course displeased immensely and still started every fight she could, but as much as she dragged in reasons to start fights that werent about that money, she also forgot about that particular topic. It would crop up occasionally, but she was too busy trying to twist every minor thing I did or didnt to into an offense to the crown. Avoiding her, not cleaning stuff up, me not doing stuff I wasnt asked to do in the first place, my tone being too aggressive or disrespectful or something (still being a news anchor), everything was a good enough reason for her to get mad. Eventually my Crohns broke out again. I of course told my nMom, and reminded her about how stress makes that worse. She didnt care. If anything she dialed it up for daring to try and restrict her speech (excuse me what?) and repeatedly threatened to throw me out. Naturally I also got on medication before it was nearly as bad as last time, but due to my nMoms constant fights it still got worse very gradually. Then it got better for a few days and then worse again, a few times I seriously considered going to the hospital. That ended up going back and forth for 2 months, while I also started to actively look for apartments, partly on insistince of my nMom, but mostly out of my own motivation rather than feigning activity and lying when she would ask. Finding a free apartment in this day and age is hard, its even harder if you have to rely on social welfare...scratch that. Nigh impossible. Most of the time people gave me a few warm words that they were looking for people with full time jobs (for renting a broom closet), the rest of the time they hung up mid-sentence. Meanwhile my nMom started fights left and right. I remember two in particular. One of them was while I had been having a cold for the week, so I wasnt working, and on Friday my nMom decided to start a fight about how I do absolutely nothing except for being lazy. Except I was, so I calmly listed that I was at the doctor on monday, did my social welfare form on tuesday, and found something else for the rest of the week, too, mildly exaggerated on unspecified small things, and all that while having a cold and a active case of Crohns disease at the same time. I had every excuse to stay in bed, and every excuse to not get shouted at. Part of me wanted to see what would happen when she is confronted with an undeniable counterpoint like that. She had effectively lost the argument then and there, but she wouldnt be a narcissist is she admitted defeat that easily. I remember seeing the gears behind her forehead turning, until she finally countered with how I havent put in any effort to do shared meals, because were living together and so forth. Except we have been having our separate meals for, at that point, 3 years maybe. The meals we had together since I moved back in I can count on one hand, and she had made zero effort to change that from her side, so why in the name of God should I? I just gave her the usual lipservice again. Another fight I remember was a bit later. I dont remember much details, but part of the situation at the time was that I was doing courses in writing job applications (being unemployed or on a small pay job like mine gets you put in there more or less against your will), which even further restricted my sleep schedule and free time. And my nMom demanded something...entirely unreasonable. I dont remember what it was exactly, but I remember it being something that physically I could not do, just because of my free time and everything, and upon hearing that its physically impossible she simply started a huge fight based on that. So I folded. I literally pulled the most theatrical shrug, grabbed my bag and started stuffing in clothes, and upon asking I told her that she wouldnt listen to anything I say anyway, and probably just throw me out again anyway, so here I am, throwing myself out. She demanded I leave the keys, so I left them as I had little base for an argument. Then she demanded Id leave my phone as well. Excuse me what the fuck how about no? I mean, how the hell does she think I can even call anyone without my phone to tell them Im gonna crash? Its not like I planned on this fight. I did end up making a good enough friend in the meantime at whose place I could crash for a few days, and it ended up being from thursday to monday. It apparently gave my nMom some time to calm down, and when I came back home she spoke relatively normal with me, even in a weird way tipped her hat to my action, though Im not sure she was congratulating my confidence or tactical thinking or whatever. I didnt really care about anything other than buying time before the next nuclear bomb goes off. Things were way too critical. I was often enough considering suicide. Not thinking about it, seriously considering it. I just didnt see a way out, and I could literally see myself deteriorating. And my nMom wasnt giving any fucks.
It wasnt long after that I finally found a place I could move to, where I live now. Turns out gay landlords are very tolerant about trans people that, due to lack of full time job, are on social welfare. Also saving up my money was a lifesaver for paying the deposit. I didnt tell my nMom anything about my search for an apartment, or if anything misinformation, because if they all (quite reasonably) declined me she would also not be satisfied as it would be the easiest way to lie if I had done nothing in the first place. Even when I had my new place 100% safe under my thumb I didnt tell her about it, only upon pressuring me that there is a maybe, but even then remained vague. When I moved out it was over the weekend, she was out at her boyfriends place. The one she cheated on her previous boyfriend with for what I guess was half a year. Just FYI. She just came home to about three things I had actually forgotten. 3 people with one car and one van helped me move. Upon finding the flat empty (as far as one can call less than half of a corner of a room being gone empty) my nMom of course messaged me and told me I had forgotten some stuff and that she wants "her" sim-card back (the contract ran on her name). We met up on Wednesday, though I took my friend with me, same one I crashed at and who helped me move. I dont think my nMom was expecting backup, because she had the coldest effing stare you have ever seen for me, but you could hear er biting her tongue to not say anything bad. So I collected my remaining things (nothing truly important apart from my Grandmas old Silverware; my dad had inherited that and then me), and basically was about ready to go out, which is about the right place for last words, like declaring you go NC. My nMom was a little quicker, letting out a sentence on just how much stress and trouble my behavior has caused her over the last 4 years. I just grin and replay: "Well, you have caused quite the psychological damage on me with *your* behavior and everything, so I believe I am quite justified in never wanting to hear from you again. Bye."
My friend was behind her during that, and he later requested that next time I give him a warning if I try to start a fight like that. I admitted, that it was not my intention, I just wanted to declare that Id go NC and why. Would be impolite not to do that. I still get an occasional nightmare or thought about the entire thing, but not as substantial as when I was still living with her. Every major fight would leave my head going in circles for days, imagining all the different ways a fight could escalate in, a survival instinct that basically just took the obviously regular occurrence and tried to figure out a way to, well, not die, by playing through the possible courses of action. I have also totally unlearned dealing with confrontations, I noticed I literally just let people finish talking and once they are clearly done start offering counterarguments, which, while perfectly civil, is also ineffective on most people because they will just interrupt or will use completely illogical arguments I cant deal with. Im still cleaning up the mess in my mind, but Im out of the woods. Things are definitely looking up and I can finally focus on fixing my life and pursuing all the things I couldnt before. Like having a crush.
If you read all the way through, Im really grateful already. This was a longer text than I thought it would be. A lot of stuff just came up again. I really just wrote this down for my own sake, for just wanting it to be out there, that my story is an undeniable part of this world of everyone else, not just the world of my own thoughts, that has no substance, that everyone else can easily deny or ignore. That is the entire purpose of this. But it is also to the benefit of others. Everyone makes out their own position in this world by making it relative to others, we make out the context of our own life by looking at the life of others. And here I offer the story of my life to help give someone else context to place their own life into.
“Dr.Garretson, it’s a pleasure as always.” A silky voice said as the doctor walked through the revolving glass doors of his octagon shaped hospital.
"Thank you Martha, are there any new deliveries for me? I’m expecting about twenty-five syringes.” He went forward into the building, and relaxed his arms on the front desk of the building in front of a skinny, dark haired woman.
“No sir, but I hear you have a file for a patient on your desk,” she let her hair down from a bun, and it fell to the middle of her back. “It requires almost immediate attention.”
“Almost? Describe your choice of words,” the doctor flashed a wink at Martha.
“Well, besides your patient, many women need attention.” Martha returned the wink. The doctor let out a roar of a laugh and walked up a staircase to the left of the desk. He saw everything in that moment as a joke, he never saw himself as someone to be loved,… She did though. And his laughter broke her heart.
“I enjoy our talks Dr.Garretson, I hope they become more frequent.” She said, holding back a tear.
“If I keep getting as little work to do as I am now, that wish just might come true.” His upbeat tone ruptured her feelings of sadness, and made her smile. His tone makes almost everyone in the hospital have a little bit of cheer.
As he walked up to his office, to his desk, he saw a peach folder sitting upon a stack of papers he had been writing on. He moved the folder and filed the papers below it, they were all old surgical and death records. Garretson looks through them each and every time he walks in that office to see how he can get better at saving lives. How can he make someone’s life last longer? Happier? More fulfilled?
He returned to his desk, sat down and lifted the file towards him, it was heavy, and didn't close all the way. Something besides papers was in there. He set it down on front of him, turned on a silver desk lamp Martha gave him last Christmas. The doctor sat down in a leathery black chair on wheels, and opened the file. On the inside there was a small stack of papers, a tape recorder, and two pictures of a girl, one where she’s standing in a field, the other when she’s lying down on cement.
The doctor begins by reading the first paper on the stack, it seemed to be a briefing of some sort. Most of it was in Spanish, he hadn't spoken a word of that language since he graduated college, and yet it is the second most spoken language in the world. He looked at some of it, and it was self explanatory. Although he had no idea what “Apellido” meant, he could assume it had to do with the patients name, as it said “Martinez” after it. He figured out her time found, and then got stumped at a random set of numbers. He pulled out his phone, and dialed for his daughter.
“Hey dad! You never call! What do you need?” A cheery voice rang from over the phone.
“Hey sweetie, you know Spanish right?” The doctor felt embarrassed by this. He always thought it was him that was going to be called by his daughter early in the morning asking how to deal with something. Truth is, she’s doing better than he’s ever done.
“Yeah dad, why?” Her voice went from cheery to inquisitive as soon as she said dad.
“Some idiot gave me a paper in Spanish, what does ‘cumpleanos’ mean?” His voice got lower, as he got a feeling as if his office walls were getting thinner. Everyone around him spoke the language, and he was worried that all these “young ones” would mock this sixty-one year old man.
“It means birthday, come on pops. Didn't you have to take some Spanish in high school?”
“No, I went with French.”
“Ah, well… Anything else?” Her voice went back to a cheery tone, the kind that is always annoying because you know that person is happier than you… A tone only a father can love.
“No, thank you.”
“Next time you can just text if it’s one thing you need, it’s easier.”
“For you not for me.”
“Maybe so, bye dad.”
She hung up before he can return the farewell. He thought it to be no matter, as he needs to continue with his work. He looked at the door of his office and the youngest doctor in the offices was peaking in.
“Gringo.” The young doctor chuckled. It only inspired Garretson to close his door. He proceeded to look through the papers, and everything else he searched on google, he didn't wish anyone else to overhear his embarrassment. After some time he went upstairs, and went into the room where the patient reportedly was. A nurse was sitting beside the bed taking her blood pressure.
“How long has she been here? I didn't read all of my papers.” Garretson asked the nurse.
“Two hours, but this is the third time I've been told to take her to someplace new.” The nurse did not hide any of the annoyance she felt of coming back to her.
“Can you prepare her for a PET? I’m interested more in her brain than her other attributes.”
“Sure, only if every other guy were like you.” She than become to mutter words inaudible to Garretson.
“Bad date last night I suppose?” He snapped on a few gloves as he smirked a little.
“What would you know about dates old man?” The nurse walked out of the room.
“I’m often right.” He whispered. He then went on to view the patient for himself. He took note of grey highlights at the bottom of her long, black hair. He then examined her hands, wrists.
“Typical teens, always depressed and not enjoying life.” He implied as he found eight cuts on her wrists. He then examined her legs, last her facial features. Garretson found it interesting how even though she was about sixteen, not one zit or pimple appeared on her face, or otherwise. The nurse came back with some equipment, and the doctor was quick to question her more.
“Why isn't she hooked up to anything?” He said this as he observed the room to have nothing but a Heart Monitor.
"She was recently moved to this room, don't you listen old man?"
"Sorry, must be my old age. How's that PET prep going?"
"Give me a few minutes, her brain isn't going anywhere."
The doctor decided to go back to his office in the meantime, he felt as if that nurse wasn't going to get anything done anytime soon. The computer on his desk beeped, signaling a e-mail for him. He let out a long sigh when he saw who it was from. His brother. He had little to no fond memories of his younger brother, and his brother's morales were corrupt. He opened it, and read:
I have been working hard in my apothecary, and even though our last departure from eachother was not a happy ending, I believe I have something that would really satisfy you and help with a question we once asked as children. If you wish to see it in action, you have my apothecary's address. You know my hours.
He dreaded what his brother may've been upto. Last he heard of him he struck a deal with five of the local mortuaries in the state to transport all "unclaimed" bodies to him. But at the same time, he was hopeful this time he might be able to change his brother's mind. He might be able to prevent a frankenstein myth becoming something told in history books. He might stop his brother from killing himself. He might stop war from having an ever gruesome change.
"Doctor, she is prepped," the nurse walked in to his office to say.
"Wonderful, let’s get today over and done with."
After she slammed the weight of her body against the glass frame, she fell to the floor unexpecting of the resistance the cracked window would have against her body. In her attempts to stand again, glass cut through her foot revealing blood and bone. The pain she felt was minimal though.
She limped past a comfortable couch, fireplace, television, and what seemed to be a cafeteria to a desk almost instinctively. Behind the desk she found a wrap to cover her foot after she pulled out remaining shards of glass. She decided to wrap her other foot for safety, in case she was not afforded the opportunity to watch where she walks.
She limped slowly back to the comfortable couch and laid down upon the almond leather. The growing screams and pangs of her body kept her awake for a small eternity and grew stronger when she pushed her body off the leather and towards the window to look for her predator. It was nowhere in sight, and the moanings it haunted her with had silenced.
She limped around some more to find information of her current shelter, each step of her right foot squeezing out a red footprint to the floor. She couldn't believe a place so homely and warm was this close to a forest so haunted. She was set to find a place to dry her dress after hiding under the rocks above the river. She found an elevator with signs of significant locations, one of which being a laundromat on the fourth floor.
As soon as she got there she came to the realization that this may be a place made for her, a haven. She looked in the very first machine of the little room that was set aside for folding, washing, and drying one's clothes. She found four quarters, all of which she was able to use to her advantage in drying her dress. She disrobed and quickly started the machine.
As she sat there watching the machine spin the purple dress around, the humming took her back to days her father took her on long trips in the old, orange truck through hills and woods, to lakes and beaches. A peace she would always ask for. A peace that would never be back. She almost fell asleep to it, to have a pleasant dream.
However, the screeching of the machine demanding that the whole building knows it has finished it’s job woke her to the moment when she first saw the shadow-faced predator. To the moment where she had to run over dirt, rocks, and mud losing sandals in the process. To the moment where her hair was caught and tangled in a tree, and as she struggled to break loose of the tree's grasp she heard it calling her name louder and louder.
"CAMILLE!" Echoed through the forest.
The moment she jumped in the river, and she heard it's steps on the rocks right above her head. Looser soil would've given her a concussion. If the rapids weren't roaring like a lion, her heavy breathing would've been heard. If the sun that once tanned her skin was any lower she might've been found through her reflection. However this beast of the night did not find her. And all the things she once thought to end her childhood actually saved her life.
She grabbed her clothing from the machine and quickly slipped into the dress at the end of it all as if it were a t-shirt. Before leaving the room she managed to find a card key for one of the rooms. She prayed and prayed to gods that she didn't believe in for one of these rooms have a place for her to lay. Luckily it only took her three tries to find a door that opened to her laundry room loot. It only took her three tries to find a bed with fresh white sheets, pillows and pillow cases, and a large white comforter.
Hours later she woke to white pillows, and red sheets. Breathing became harder as she panicked, she still was unsure what was happening to her body. She quickly rushed out of her bed and just as quickly fell to the floor. Pain was shot up through her whole left leg as she realized the blood was coming from her foot, and the only changing required was her bandages.
"Always wrap it tight, always replace it after night." Her father told her. Full of good advice, and just as full of bad decisions.
She looked around the hotel room to she what she could fashion into a makeshift crutch. She found an ironing board and tore a leg off, and used that to keep off her leg as she went down to the lobby. She rediscovered the bandages, and this time had the idea to bring them with her. She secured them into the straps of her bra and returned towards the elevator with a hump on her right shoulder and a leg of an ironing board.
Before leaving the lobby she found a small convenience store, packed with food, "Catchers" as her father called the,, sweets, "men's special hats" coined again from her father, and a set of four tools that Cammile couldn't quite place. She made a mental note, as she was not sure if there was any food was in her hotel room. But her priority was now to clean up.
As she came back up to the fourth floor, it took only moments of the elevator door being open, and moments of looking down the poorly lit hallway to realize that all the doors were now wide open. With her heart racing, and not knowing whether or not her predator had locked down on where she could be, she made a stomp on the elevator with her crutch to try and lure out any searchful souls. None answered to her call. She went back to the room she slept in, and to her surprise the bed was made. The bed was no longer bloody. The pillows were in a straight line again and the blanket was wrapped tight around the mattress as it was before she coiled her aching body into it's warmth.
She pushed the door closed with no difficulty, and as it closed she heard a thousand other doors being shut. She reopened her door to examine what happened, ran across the hall in attempts to reopen the door on the other side, but it would not open at the strength of her hand. She went back into her room, into what she first discovered as accessible to her, and found her way into the restroom.
The shower head was right next to the toilet, with a bench under it, and several planks of wood holding soap nearby. The whole restroom was tile, and it seemed like a sims game where someone forgot to separate the shower from the rest of the bathroom with a wall. A drain was placed dead center of the floor. She put the bandages on the highest shelf furthest from the shower head, and slowly prepped for water to run over her body again, this time with warmth.
She closed her eyes towards the running water and the water seemed to heal her body, she felt as if her cuts and bruises were closing, the gash on her foot turned into a raw scab, and most of her aches went away. The only pain she felt was when she rested her weight on her left foot, the inside still feeling like a shredded hell, and a calm but constant ache in her chest. She looked towards the center of the room, the drain was swallowing a heavy flow of blood. She felt herself panic again, as she felt around for any open wounds on her body, she still didn't know what to do. Her father never explained well.
"Even when I don't get hunted, do I still have to be dying?" She watched as blood kept flowing out of her. "I need a catcher." She said as she wrapped both her feet, and mostly clothed herself as she went down to the lobby again without assistance. She did not want to die.
Dr.Garretson took careful time to analyze each image of the teenager's scan. The most shocking part of the image was that Cammile was by no means unconcious despite what her body was showing. The PET scan showed, infact, that she was wide awake in some form. Dreaming?
A comatose patient that was actively dreaming was a shock, rarely shown. And it was more than a deep sleep his patient was in. He decided to have the patient replaced and start looking for resources about her guardians.
"Martha," The Doctor whispered into a wall mounted microphone. "Please bring me folder on Cammile."
Let's go! Move it!
50 more ➕➕ yards!
All right 👉, let's go! Pick ⛏ it up ☝☝!
You're 👉 running 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ out 🏎🏍 of time ⌚⌚⌚, Bryant!
Make it all the way ↕️ around the track! Come on 🔛!
You want 😋 to be troopers? You better move it!
All right 👉👉, next ⏭, get 🉐 up ☝☝ here 👈👈!
Let's hit 👊👊 it now.
Dean, come on 🔛!
All right 👉. You've all completed the written exam ⌛⌛⌛.
However, you must now pass 🎫🎫🎫 the obstacle course
to be admitted into the training 🏋️♀️ program 📺.
And remember, survive this ⬆,
and you're 👉 on 🔛 the front lines of keeping New 🆕🆕 Jersey 🇯🇪 safe.
Sorry 💔💔 about the test ⌛⌛, Dad 👨.
We all have 🈶 our crosses to bear 🐻, sweetheart.
Mine is 🈶 named hypoglycemia.
Well, that's why 🤔 you always 🕔 have 🈶 to have 🈶 sugar nearby.
Are you gonna have 🈶 pie 🥧🥧?
Not tonight, Ma.
I'm just kidding. Yeah 🙌, I'm gonna want 😋 some pie 🥧.
No 😣😣, I meant now, Ma. Get 🉐🉐 the pie 🥧🥧🥧 now.
and I just kind of got that stuck in my head 💆 now,
and can't really get 🉐 it out 🏎🏍. Pie 🥧🥧. Here 👈👈 we go.
It really helps heal.
And, you know 🤔, not always 🕔, but sometimes,
you gotta do like 😄😄 the kids 👦👦👦 say 🗣, and just say 🗣🗣, "Whatever."
Kids 👦👦👦 don't talk 🗣 like 😄 that.
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay 👌👌?
I hear 👂👂👂 them in the mall 🏬🏬🏬. You know 🤔?
It just fills the cracks of the heart 😍😍.
Go away, pain.
Oh, no 😣😣. Come on 🔛🔛, Ma.
I'm not ready for this ⬆ right 👉 now.
We just don't want 😋 to see 👁👁 you go through another holiday alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've 🙋 got you two ✌✌✌. You know 🤔?
And besides, Black Friday's coming,
so my dance 💃 card's gonna be pretty full 🈵🈵.
What 😅? It's the busiest shopping 👖👖 day of the year.
Yeah 🙌, I should have 🈶🈶 known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
I wish 🙏🙏 I had a coworker here 👈👈, like 😄, "Tyler, hey 👋. You know 🤔, Black Friday's coming."
"Gee, Paul 👽, you don't have 🈶🈶 to tell 🗣 me Black Friday's coming.
"Why 🤔 do you think 🤔 I've 🙋 been walking 🏃♀️🏃♀️ around here 👈👈
"with the eyes 🤩🤩 of an eagle 🦅🦅?"
- We prepare.
- Dad 👨👨👨, what 😅 does all that have 🈶 to do
with being happy 😀😀 for the rest 😪😪😪 of your 👉 life 💓?
You said, and I quote, "If I don't have 🈶 a girlfriend by November,
"I'll let you sign ⛎⛎⛎ me up ☝ for perfectmatch.com."
That was last year.
"What 😅 are you looking for in a woman 👧?"
Well, your 👉 mother 👪👪👪 certainly had something special 🌟.
Yeah 🙌, illegal immigrant status.
She married you, got citizenship, and then she left 👈👈 us.
That's not entirely true.
We did have 🈶 some good 👌👍🏾 times back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ when ⏰ she was still trying to trick me.
- Well, I hate 😡 her.
- Well, you shouldn't.
She gave me you.
- I am pretty great 🇬🇧.
- You are. You are.
Okay 👌👌, next ⏭⏭⏭ question ❓❓. "Tell 🗣 us about yourself."
Let's see 👁👁👁.
I know 🤔 a lot about sharks.
Let me stop ✋✋ you right 👉👉👉 there.
Well-built 👷♀️ and a great 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 hugger.
Awesome 👍👍👍, Grandma.
Not as awesome 👍👍 as this ⬆.
What 😅 are you doing?
Beefing up ☝☝ your 👉 profile with that nifty video 📼 that you made a few years back ⬅️.
Ma, no 😣.
I don't know 🤔. Don't you think 🤔 it's a little too, "Hey 👋, look 👁👁 at me"?
Well, that is 🈶 exactly what 😅 we want 😋.
Eyes 🤩 on 🔛🔛🔛 the prize.
And don't worry, I will edit out 🏎🏍 the sweaty parts.
Hey 👋! Back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ away from the vehicle 🚗.
Oh, dear God. Please 🙏.
Chompers, get 🉐 down ⬇⬇!
Hey 👋, you know 🤔 where 🤷 a men 👴👴👴's room is 🈶?
I do. You're 👉 gonna want 😋 to go to Lord 👑 and Taylor.
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
Okay 👌👌, keep the balls 🏀 in the pit, kids 👦👦👦. Kids 👦👦👦!
Okay 👌👌👌, my lip is 🈶 numb.
- There you go.
- Thank 🙏 you.
Yeah 🙌, I know 🤔.
That's not supposed to be here 👈👈. It's a minivan.
... he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
He keeps the play 🎽🎽 alive.
What 😅 is 🈶 this ⬆?
That's my report on 🔛 how 🤔 to ease traffic flow from Macy's
down ⬇⬇ through the specialty shops.
- How 🤔's that working 🏗🏗🏗 out 🏎🏍 for you?
- Actually, it's for all of us.
You see 👁👁, if we could reroute the customers away from the food 🐟 court 👩⚖️👩⚖️👩⚖️,
it's gonna help 🆘 the kiosks and cut 🥩🥩 down ⬇⬇ on 🔛🔛 shopper frustration.
It's your 👉 classic two ✌✌✌-bird 🐔🐔, one 1️⃣-stone ⬜ scenario.
- Can I ask you something?
Why 🤔 can't you just punch in, shut up ☝ and punch out 🏎🏍 like 😄😄 the rest 😪 of us?
Safety never ❌ takes a holiday.
Did your 👉 mom 👪 crochet that on 🔛🔛 a pillow?
This ⬆ is 🈶 Sims. He's a new 🆕 trainee. Let him trail you today.
Hey 👋. Paul 👽 Blart. Ten-year veteran.
Wow 😮. Veck Sims.
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show 📺. Let's mount up ☝☝.
Oh, yeah 🙌. That's the good 👌👍🏾 stuff.
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
Slap it, honor it.
So what 😅 made you want 😋 to pursue security 🛡?
I never ❌ finished high 🆙🆙 school 🎓🎓🎓. This ⬆ is 🈶 all I could get 🉐🉐.
Yeah 🙌, I'm currently working 🏗🏗🏗 on 🔛🔛 becoming a state trooper, myself.
Right 👉 now, I'm goose egg 🐣 for eight 8️⃣. Hypoglycemia.
Confusing, right 👉👉? Cut 🥩🥩🥩 yourself some slack.
My first 🥇🥇🥇 week riding on 🔛 the job 💼, I got lost 🏳🏳🏳 behind the Sears.
They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full 🈵 beard.
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
My uncle 👴 can. Stay snug.
Now, in the event 🎫🎫 that you approach an assailant,
here 👈👈's what 😅 I want 😋 you to do. You're 👉 gonna pull up ☝,
left 👈 hip forward ⏭, placing your 👉 right 👉👉👉 hand 👍 on 🔛 your 👉 away hip thusly,
giving the illusion that you have 🈶🈶🈶 a gun 🔫🔫🔫. Which, of course, we both know 🤔
Okay 👌👌? But you know 🤔 what 😅 we do have 🈶?
Our voices! We have 🈶🈶🈶 our voices.
If you remember one 1️⃣ thing from today, it's this ⬆.
The mind 🤯🤯🤯 is 🈶 the only weapon 🔫🔫 that doesn't need a holster.
Right 👉👉. Awesome 👍👍. How 🤔 long do we get 🉐 for lunch 🥪?
Half hour. But I eat 🍽🍽🍽 in 20, which leaves 🍃🍃 me five 5️⃣ minutes for social time ⌚⌚,
five 5️⃣ minutes to get 🉐 refocused.
We got a high 🆙 roller.
Sir 👨, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right 👉.
Please 🙏 pull to the side, sir 👨👨. Out 🏎🏍 of traffic.
Tan jacket 🧥, red 👹👹 scooter, please 🙏🙏 pull to the right 👉, out 🏎🏍 of traffic.
Thank 🙏 you.
Driving 🚦🚦 kind of recklessly back ⬅️ there, sir 👨👨.
You're 👉 kidding.
I don't joke about shopper safety.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have 🈶🈶 to issue ⚠️⚠️ you a citation.
Gonna need your 👉 first 🥇🥇🥇 and last. Last first 🥇🥇🥇.
Sir 👨. Sir 👨. Sir 👨👨, sir 👨👨, sir 👨👨.
Please 🙏 don't make this ⬆ more ➕➕➕ difficult than it needs to be, okay 👌?
Are you able to... Sir 👨👨. Sir 👨👨! Sir 👨. I am warning 🚧🚧🚧 you, sir 👨.
You're 👉 pushing it.
Sir 👨. Sir 👨. I am warning 🚧🚧... Sir 👨👨.
Sir 👨👨👨. Sir 👨👨👨. Sir 👨.
This ⬆ is 🈶 adding up ☝, sir 👨. He'll be back ⬅️⬅️. He'll be back ⬅️. He'll be back ⬅️.
- Hey 👋.
- Hi 👋. Do you need something?
Yes 👍. I'd like 😄😄 to welcome you to our mall 🏬🏬.
Well, thank 🙏 you.
Is 🈶 there something else?
Yeah 🙌. Yeah 🙌, yeah 🙌.
Just looking for some hair 💈 extensions.
Need a little more ➕ volume 🔈🔈 up ☝☝ top 🔼. Do you do men 👴👴?
Do you do men 👴👴 hair 💈💈💈? Do you do men 👴👴👴 hair 💈💈? On 🔛 the men 👴👴👴?
Are you the guy 👦👦 that crashed into the minivan?
I don't think 🤔🤔🤔 so. Which one 1️⃣1️⃣?
Well, that one 1️⃣. That one 1️⃣ right 👉 there.
Yeah 🙌. That one 1️⃣, yes 👍👍👍. That... You know 🤔, that one 1️⃣1️⃣ was me.
- Oh, wow 😮. Are you okay 👌👌?
- Oh, yeah 🙌. Never ❌ better.
Although they're docking the paycheck 💸 pretty good 👌👍🏾.
You know 🤔 what 😅 you should do? You should get 🉐🉐🉐 the security 🛡🛡🛡 tape 📽,
and then, like 😄😄😄, sell it to one 1️⃣1️⃣ of those shows, you know 🤔, where 🤷 people 👫 crash into stuff.
- Hello 👋, early 🕐🕐 retirement.
- Yeah 🙌, right 👉👉👉?
Volume 🔈. Right 👉👉, let me just see 👁👁 what 😅 I've 🙋 got.
Yeah 🙌, this ⬆ is 🈶 Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
Who 💁 is 🈶 this ⬆?
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
What 😅 the hell are you bothering me for?
- Just a Code 💻 B 🅱️ check.
- What 😅 a moron.
You know 🤔, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
Oh, right 👉👉, yeah 🙌. Life 💓 of a security 🛡 guard.
- What 😅, what 😅?
- No 😣😣😣, it's just that you said security 🛡 guard,
and it's perfectly acceptable...
I'm so sorry 💔💔 if I called you the wrong thing.
No 😣, no 😣😣😣, no 😣😣, no 😣😣😣. You did fine, you know 🤔?
It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
brewing in the industry 🏭🏭🏭 right 👉👉 now,
whether the title should be Security 🛡🛡 Guard or Officer.
I'm sure you heard about it.
- I didn't.
- You will. You're 👉 gonna.
- But I'm sure I will.
- It's out 🏎🏍 there.
So, you all set for the busiest shopping 👖👖 day of the year?
Yeah 🙌, right 👉. And the worst 😡 day for a birthday 🎂.
This ⬆ year, it falls on 🔛🔛🔛 a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get 🉐🉐 a card.
Everyone's too busy shopping 👖👖.
You know 🤔 what 😅? Yeah 🙌. Autumn Ash.
- Yeah 🙌.
- I think 🤔 that's your 👉 color.
- I think 🤔🤔 this ⬆'ll work 💼💼.
- It's a winner.
- So that's $9.95.
- Yeah 🙌.
- Wow 😮😮.
At those prices, now you got me thinking 🤔 ponytail.
All right 👉. Thank 🙏 you.
Thank 🙏 you.
- Right 👉👉. So there you go.
- Okay 👌👌.
And, there you go.
Thank 🙏 you, Amy.
Thank 🙏 you, Officer Blart.
Hey 👋, Blart. Wow 😮😮😮, nice shirt 👕.
You went with a medium?
It's a bit formfitting,
but that's 'cause 🎗 we're required to wear protective vests under our...
No 😣😣. Not buying it. No 😣.
'Cause 🎗🎗🎗 I don't see 👁👁 any vest underneath here 👈👈, so...
No 😣😣, but it's a thick T-shirt 👕👕. Basically like 😄😄 a thermal they have 🈶🈶🈶 you wear.
Nope 🙅. Nope 🙅🙅. No 😣.
I don't understand why 🤔 you're 👉 laughing 🤣. I just called you fat.
I'm not laughing 🤣🤣.
Yeah 🙌, whatever. Amy.
Hey 👋, everyone's going to American 🗽 Joe's tonight, and I want 😋 to see 👁 you there.
Okay 👌👌? We're gonna split some onion strings.
Wow 😮. Wow 😮😮.
Good 👌👍🏾 hang.
Wow 😮😮, yeah 🙌. That's great 🇬🇧.
Hey 👋, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret 😉.
Okay 👌, roger that.
Okay 👌👌👌, I gotta go.
Okay 👌👌. Bye.
- I found it first 🥇.
- No 😣, you didn't.
Ladies. Problem ⚠️⚠️.
What 😅's the genesis?
She's trying to take the last push ✋-up ☝ bra in this ⬆ size.
There's gonna be a new 🆕 shipment tomorrow. They'll be here 👈👈 by noon 🕛.
Well, I need this ⬆ one 1️⃣1️⃣ now. I have 🈶 a date 👫👫👫 tonight.
Really? Is 🈶 he blind 🦇?
Whoa 😮! Waterproof shoes 👠 and Baggies on 🔛🔛 the socks 🧦🧦.
Not my first 🥇🥇🥇 rodeo.
Okay 👌, ladies, need to see 👁👁👁 some ID 🆔.
No 😣, you don't.
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have 🈶 the authority to make a citizen's arrest 👮♀️👮♀️.
So does anyone. I could arrest 👮♀️👮♀️ you right 👉👉👉 now.
- That's true. She could.
- Hey 👋, not talking to you. Okay 👌?
Can I see 👁 you for a second 🥈🥈, please 🙏, ma'am?
Look 👁👁, I understand your 👉 sensitivity.
I've 🙋 had some issues with weight ⚖ myself.
- Are you calling 📲 me fat?
- No 😣. No 😣😣, no 😣, no 😣, no 😣😣.
I'm just saying I've 🙋 been down ⬇⬇ that road 🛣.
I mean 😏😏😏... I mean 😏😏, I'm still on 🔛🔛 it. We both are, you know 🤔? Stranded.
Let's face 😀😀😀 it, we eat 🍽 to fill a void, right 👉👉?
But as soon 🔜🔜🔜 as I started eating healthier,
I noticed I wasn't so moody.
And PS, your 👉 skin's gonna clear up ☝☝☝.
- Can you hold onto these?
She's got tremendous upper body strength.
She's biting my neck 🧣. She's biting my neck 🧣🧣.
Look 👁, I know 🤔 you're 👉 new 🆕 here 👈👈 and all,
but "backup" seems like 😄😄 a pretty universal term.
Hey 👋. Can I give you a lift?
What 😅, on 🔛 that?
With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no 😣,
but with me, you'll be as safe as the President 👑.
I don't know 🤔. Couldn't that get 🉐 you fired?
Yes 👍👍, it could.
- Is 🈶 this ⬆ all right 👉👉👉?
And here 👈👈 you go. Safe and sound 👂.
Fun 💃💃💃 fact for you, a lot of people 👫 think 🤔 the Mustang was named after the horse 🐴.
It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
- That's a plane 👩✈️👩✈️.
- I didn't know 🤔 that.
Well, thank 🙏 you for the ride, Paul 👽👽. That was so much fun 💃💃.
No 😣😣😣 problem ⚠️⚠️.
if you ever, you know 🤔, need rides anywhere,
Dispatch, they can get 🉐 me. You know 🤔.
- Or we could just text 📖 each other.
- Yeah 🙌.
- Yeah 🙌, give me your 👉 cell phone 🤳.
- My cell?
Yeah 🙌, and I'll punch my number in.
Left 👈 it in the casuals. You know 🤔 what 😅?
Just give me your 👉 number and I'll remember it.
- Okay 👌. Ready?
- All right 👉👉. 555...
- Not yet. Just...
Now I'm ready.
...78. - Eight 8️⃣. Got it.
That's it. It's locked.
Great 🇬🇧, so I'll see 👁👁 you tonight at American 🗽🗽 Joe's, right 👉?
Yeah 🙌, I mean 😏😏, everybody's going, so...
- Yeah 🙌. ...why 🤔 not me, too? I'll be...
Yeah 🙌, I'm there.
- Great 🇬🇧🇬🇧. Bye.
- Okay 👌👌. Bye.
- Hey 👋.
- Hey 👋! Hey 👋. Glad 😆 you made it, Paul 👽👽.
Good 👌👍🏾 to be here 👈👈.
- Fun 💃💃💃 fact for you...
- This ⬆ place 🏆🏆🏆 sucks 😔.
- You want 😋 to get 🉐🉐🉐 out 🏎🏍 of here 👈👈?
- No 😣.
I'm sorry 💔, what 😅 were you saying?
No 😣😣😣, I was just saying that
the first 🥇 American 🗽 Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
And most people 👫👫, because of its service 🛎 and theme,
think 🤔🤔 that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's, but it's not.
It's its own thing.
You really know 🤔 a lot of facts, Paul 👽👽.
Hey 👋, Blart, I heard you got your 👉 ass 🍑 handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret 😉😉.
Well, I don't hit 👊👊 women 👵👵👵,
- so I don't even know 🤔 what 😅...
- Yeah 🙌. Just minivans, right 👉👉?
Hey 👋, why 🤔 don't you go over to the bar 🎯 and grab yourself one 1️⃣1️⃣ of those girly drinks?
- I'll meet you over there.
- Okay 👌. Does anybody else want 😋 a drink 🍹?
- 'Cause 🎗🎗 Stuart's buying.
- No 😣😣, no 😣, no 😣😣😣. They're good 👌👍🏾. They're good 👌👍🏾.
- So... They're good 👌👍🏾.
- Okay 👌.
Hey 👋, listen 👂, I... We're basically already together, so...
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
- And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything.
- Yeah 🙌.
I just want 😋 you to grab a hold of it, tight.
I mean 😏😏, it's not like 😄😄😄 you really had a chance, okay 👌?
Security 🛡 guard? Really.
But you're 👉 a pen 🖊 salesman, dude.
Yeah 🙌, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat 🍽🍽 me.
All right 👉, bro 💪. Back ⬅️⬅️ off. You know 🤔, we're all just here 👈👈 having fun 💃.
Okay 👌, bro 💪.
Hey 👋, thanks 🙏 for getting my back ⬅️⬅️ there, brother.
Security 🛡🛡 blood 💉💉💉 runs deep between... Yeah 🙌, let's just go.
- Round ⭕⭕ six 6️⃣6️⃣.
- Let's do this ⬆ thing.
- Gentlemen ready?
- No 😣.
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay 👌👌.
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
I know 🤔.
Told you, boy 👶. You better hurry up ☝☝.
There you go. Nachos in my face 😀😀.
Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot 😅😅.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot 😅😅 pepper.
Nachos are good 👌👍🏾, man 👦👦👦.
Better inform all your 👉 friends, boy 👶. Nachos about to be gone.
You're 👉 lagging behind.
Come on 🔛🔛🔛, Paul 👽👽. Playing games.
I love 😍 these nachos, I'll tell 🗣 you that much.
- That lemonade is 🈶 insane.
- Yeah 🙌, Paul 👽👽👽.
- That's because it's a margarita.
- No 😣😣. I don't drink 🍹.
Feel the nub.
- Hey 👋, you want 😋 some? Here 👈👈.
- Yeah 🙌.
You want 😋 fruit 🍏🍏?
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
Time ⌚ to pluck the grape from the vine.
Still got the Baggies! Hot 😅😅 jiggity.
Coming on 🔛 the left 👈.
False alarm 🚨.
Told my mom 👪 everything about us.
What 😅 are you talking about?
You're 👉 acting 🎭🎭 coy. Come on 🔛. It's natural.
You know 🤔. You so know 🤔.
No 😣, I'm sorry 💔, Paul 👽👽👽. I don't know 🤔.
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
So happy 😀😀😀!
I believe in magic 🎩🎩🎩!
No 😣😣 way ↕️↕️!
I'm sorry 💔💔 it didn't work 💼 out 🏎🏍, dear.
It's fine, Ma.
- Hey 👋, Dad 👨👨, why 🤔 don't we check for matches?
- Yes 👍.
Yeah 🙌, I don't think 🤔 so, sweetheart. I think 🤔 I'm just gonna turn in.
Well, how 🤔 about something special 🌟 for lunch 🥪🥪 tomorrow to cheer you up ☝☝?
I don't think 🤔 so, Ma. It's fine.
If something's gonna work 💼💼, it would be the sloppy joe.
But that would probably... You know 🤔.
You know 🤔, if you're 👉 doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet 🍯 potato 🥔🥔🥔 fries 🍟.
But it... Whatever, you know 🤔. Well done. Yeah 🙌.
Maya. Hey 👋.
Dad 👨. I'm so sorry 💔.
It's okay 👌👌.
There are other fish 🐟🐟🐟 in the sea 🦑.
You just gotta keep looking.
And it doesn't matter what 😅 you do.
Because once someone takes the time ⌚ to get 🉐 to know 🤔 the real you,
all bets are off.
If it doesn't work 💼💼 out 🏎🏍, you'll always 🕔 have 🈶🈶🈶 us.
I'm sorry 💔💔, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear 👂 a word you were saying.
You just have 🈶 to...
Is 🈶 that a tattoo?
I... Yeah 🙌, yeah 🙌, it is 🈶.
When ⏰ did you get 🉐 it?
- I got it last night 😴.
- What 😅 is 🈶 it?
It's the Loch Ness monster 👹👹👹.
I don't drink 🍹.
a little weird 😕 the other night 😴😴, huh 😕?
Yeah 🙌, you know 🤔, it had its moments. Yeah 🙌.
Was one 1️⃣1️⃣1️⃣ of them when ⏰ I tried to make out 🏎🏍 with your 👉 purse 👛?
You see 👁, alcohol 🍺🍺 instantly turns to sugar in the blood 💉.
And what 😅 happens is 🈶 the capillaries...
Yeah 🙌, look 👁👁. A lot of people 👫...
Pretty much everybody, you know 🤔, tends to write ✍ me off.
And if you did, too, believe me, I get 🉐🉐🉐 it.
I just... I guess what 😅 I'm asking is 🈶 that you don't.
Okay 👌👌. You know 🤔, I'm sorry 💔, I've 🙋 just...
I've 🙋 gotta cash 🏦🏦🏦 my paycheck 💸 before the bank 🏦 closes. I'm...
No 😣😣 problem ⚠️. Maybe we could talk 🗣🗣 later or something?
- Yeah 🙌, sure. You could just text 📖 me, or...
- Okay 👌👌.
- Yeah 🙌.
- I can do that. I can do that.
You know 🤔, Paul 👽, everybody texts these days.
I can't believe you don't have 🈶🈶 a cell phone 🤳🤳🤳.
I'm not about all this ⬆ technology 📱📱, Vijay.
I prefer face 😀-to-face 😀 interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
I dug myself into a really deep hole ⛳⛳⛳ with this ⬆ girl 👶, you gotta help 🆘 me. Please 🙏🙏🙏.
Paul 👽👽, you've always 🕔 been a straight shooter, so I'll tell 🗣 you what 😅.
Why 🤔 don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone 🤳?
- No 😣😣, I can't do that.
- No 😣😣😣, no 😣, no 😣, no 😣😣😣, no 😣😣, no 😣😣😣.
I'm punishing her.
No 😣😣. What 😅 with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
she went over her minutes.
When ⏰ and if she decides to turn her life 💓 around, I'll simply take it back ⬅️⬅️⬅️.
Until then, you use it.
- Thanks 🙏.
- Stay within the minutes.
- Of course.
Hey 👋. It's too late 🕐🕐 to go in that way ↕️↕️, guys. It's closed.
- No 😣 one 1️⃣'s going in there.
- Yeah 🙌. I think 🤔 we are.
Hey 👋, yo 👋, Paul 👽. Come here 👈👈, man 👦.
Look 👁, I know 🤔 you been feeling down ⬇⬇, so I got this ⬆ for you.
"The Devil 😈's Crotch."
Feel the burn, baby 👶.
- Thanks 🙏, Leon.
- Get 🉐 back ⬅️ at me, man 👦👦👦.
- Loading dock's ready.
- Got it.
You need a pen 🖊🖊, don't you?
You know 🤔 what 😅? No 😣😣, I'm good 👌👍🏾.
- I'll just use one 1️⃣ of their pens.
- Yeah 🙌, you do.
Yes 👍. The Summit 5280 fountain ⛲.
- That's stunning.
- Yeah 🙌, I know 🤔.
How 🤔 would you like 😄 to sign ⛎⛎ your 👉 name with this ⬆ panther?
You know 🤔 what 😅? More ➕➕ than anything.
- Yeah 🙌, that'd be great 🇬🇧.
- Here 👈👈. Yeah 🙌.
It's yours 👉. I insist.
Oh, hey 👋, guys.
- Hey 👋.
- Hey 👋.
- Hey 👋.
- Don't you just love 😍😍 Fridays?
- Yeah 🙌.
- Best 🏆 night 😴😴 of the week.
- Excuse me. Sorry 💔💔.
- Hey 👋.
Paul 👽👽. Paul 👽👽, can you help 🆘 me out 🏎🏍?
I need to shoot 💫 over to the bank 🏦🏦🏦 for a minute.
There's a few kids 👦👦👦 inside, just finishing up ☝☝☝ their games.
Could you close up ☝ the arcade 👾 for me?
- Yeah 🙌, sure. No 😣😣 problem ⚠️⚠️, Mr 🇲🇷🇲🇷. Ferguson.
- Okay 👌👌.
- You okay 👌? You seem a little down ⬇⬇.
- Yeah 🙌, I'm fine.
You know 🤔, video 📼📼📼 game 🎱🎱 might cheer you right 👉👉 up ☝☝☝.
Nah, I'm on 🔛 duty.
Welcome to the games!
Get 🉐🉐 set.
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
Game 🎱🎱 over.
We are ready.
Let's do this ⬆.
Please 🙏🙏 make your 👉 way ↕️↕️↕️ to the nearest exits.
Unfortunately, the mall 🏬 will be closing early 🕐🕐.
- Everybody out 🏎🏍!
- Everybody out 🏎🏍!
Everybody out 🏎🏍, now!
Hi 👋. Hey 👋! Hey 👋! You got me...
I'm at the West Orange 🍊 Pavilion Mall 🏬🏬.
Hey 👋, yo 👋. Hey 👋, there's some crazy 🤪🤪-ass 🍑 people 👫 trying to take over the mall 🏬.
- I'm out 🏎🏍 of here 👈👈.
- Everybody on 🔛 the floor 🤣!
Tell 🗣 them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
What 😅 are you doing? Get 🉐 down ⬇⬇.
Oh, my God.
Surprised 😲😲? I know 🤔.
But here 👈👈's the craziest part.
I'm the leader 👑.
Reports are, they're inside the bank 🏦🏦🏦 and they got hostages.
This ⬆ is 🈶 Sergeant Howard. I need four 4️⃣4️⃣ units around the back ⬅️ to secure the perimeter.
See 👁👁 if we can establish visual. Report back ⬅️ to me immediately.
Let's get 🉐🉐 all these civilians out 🏎🏍 of here 👈👈.
See 👁👁 if we can gain access into the loading dock.
- I'm on 🔛🔛 it. 94, move 'em out 🏎🏍.
I'm sorry 💔💔?
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
This ⬆ must be Pahud. Pahud, no 😣😣😣, I'm not with Parisa.
My name's Paul 👽👽👽 Blart.
Parisa's dad 👨👨 took her cell phone 🤳 away, and he lent it to me.
Do not lie 🤥🤥 to me, Paul 👽 Blart. Do not lie 🤥🤥 to me.
You are probably sweating over her right 👉 now.
I'm not lying.
I mean 😏, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
That woman 👧 is 🈶 like 😄😄 an angelic goddess who 💁 only brings goodness to this ⬆ world 🌎🌎🌎.
Plus, she has some crazy 🤪 sexy feet 🚶♀️🚶♀️.
Paul 👽👽, the pain of this ⬆ breakup is 🈶 far too much for me to bear 🐻, man 👦👦.
Pahud, no 😣😣😣 one 1️⃣ can blame you for being upset 😞😞.
I mean 😏, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak 💔💔 to the mix.
Wow 😮😮. Them's some heavy words 🆔🆔, Paul 👽👽👽 Blart.
Hey 👋, life 💓 is 🈶 heavy.
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall 🏬, huh 😕?
So why 🤔 do you not head 💆 over to Orange 🍊 Julius,
call up ☝☝ my friend 🐶 Sameer Oh?
Tell 🗣 him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up ☝☝☝.
Wait 🚏🚏 a second 🥈🥈. How 🤔'd you know 🤔 I was at the mall 🏬?
I track Parisa's phone 🤳 with GPS 🛰. Don't you judge me.
Closing time ⌚ already.
Okay 👌, there are 223 stores in this ⬆ mall 🏬.
Here 👈👈 is 🈶 a list of the 15 that I need you to hit 👊👊.
And 15 for you.
Now this ⬆ is 🈶 the key 🔑🔑🔑 to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine 🤖🤖.
They change 📈 every day, so make sure
that you bring me back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ the codes for today, Friday.
Veck, six 6️⃣6️⃣ guys in standard formation 💎, just like 😄 you said.
Bomb 💥💥! Bomb 💥! Bomb 💥! Bomb 💥!
And these little piggies went all the way ↕️↕️↕️ home 👪.
Gary usually delivers the leftovers 🥡 to the Mission.
Hey 👋, everyone. A couple 👰 requests.
Kindly tie up ☝☝ the person 👤👤 beside you, keep your 👉 mouths shut,
give up ☝ your 👉 cell phones, and as a general 🤷 rule, do as I say 🗣🗣🗣.
You do all these things... Well, you'll be back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ at home 👪👪 in no 😣😣😣 time ⌚⌚.
Back ⬅️ to your 👉 mediocre lives.
- I don't have 🈶 one 1️⃣.
I was hoping that you and I could have 🈶 a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on 🔛🔛.
You know 🤔, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
What 😅 do you say 🗣?
Go to hell.
Hey 👋, Stewie, you don't mind 🤯 that I'm hitting on 🔛 your 👉 girlfriend, do you?
What 😅? No 😣. She's not my girlfriend.
But I specifically heard you say 🗣 that you two ✌ were "basically together."
No 😣😣. I didn't say 🗣🗣 that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
Have 🈶 at it. If you...
God, you're 👉 an idiot 😜.
This ⬆ is 🈶 Sergeant Howard of the West Orange 🍊 Police 👮♀️👮♀️ Department.
- Who 💁 am I speaking 📢 with?
- Hi 👋.
Yeah 🙌, well, so here 👈👈's the deal.
As you learned the hard way ↕️↕️↕️, I have 🈶 motion sensors by all the doors,
so if you wanna enter ↩️↩️↩️ my mall 🏬,
you might as well bring at least six 6️⃣6️⃣6️⃣ body bags.
He's drilling the safe, and they have 🈶🈶 eyes 🤩🤩 on 🔛 us.
See 👁👁 if we can tap 🚱 into the security 🛡 cameras.
Now look 👁, no 😣 one 1️⃣1️⃣1️⃣'s gonna try and enter ↩️ the mall 🏬🏬.
Is 🈶 there anything you need? Do you need any food 🐟? Do you need any water 💧?
Oh, man 👦. This ⬆ dude doesn't deviate from the book 📖 at all.
You know 🤔, since you're 👉 asking, I would love 😍😍 a Happy 😀 Meal 🍽,
you know 🤔, but... Make sure the toy 🎎 is 🈶 the sea 🦑🦑 monster 👹👹👹,
'cause 🎗🎗 I already have 🈶 the dragon 🐉🐉.
Okay 👌👌, okay 👌👌, now what 😅 is 🈶 it you really want 😋?
Hey 👋, I'm sorry 💔, mall 🏬's closed,
but I can help 🆘 you find 🔍🔍🔍 the nearest exit 🚪 if you just tell 🗣 me where 🤷 you parked.
Sweet 🍯 mercy.
This ⬆ is 🈶 not happening, this ⬆ is 🈶 not happening, this ⬆ is 🈶...
Oh, God. All right 👉👉, think 🤔, Paul 👽, think 🤔🤔.
Now what 😅 are you trained to do?
Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
Yo 👋, we got a straggler.
- It's a security 🛡🛡🛡 guard.
- What 😅 should we do?
I don't know 🤔. Give up ☝, I guess.
Guys, what 😅 is 🈶 wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
We got a 911 👮♀️👮♀️👮♀️ operator connecting us with some guy 👦 named Paul 👽👽 Barth.
He says he's a security 🛡🛡 officer in the mall 🏬🏬🏬.
Hey 👋. Blart? He's one 1️⃣ of my guys.
Paul 👽, this ⬆ is 🈶 Sergeant Howard of West Orange 🍊🍊 Police 👮♀️👮♀️ Department.
The mall 🏬🏬🏬 has been taken over, and they have 🈶🈶 hostages.
I need you to exit 🚪🚪 the building 🏭 immediately.
We don't need any wild 🐻🐻 cards 🃏🃏🃏 in this ⬆ situation.
Copy that. Never ❌ been a wild 🐻 card.
Unless you consider 🤔🤔 the game 🎱 of Uno wild 🐻.
- Blart! Can we focus here 👈👈, please 🙏🙏?
- Yes 👍👍. Yes 👍, sir 👨. On 🔛🔛 my way ↕️↕️ out 🏎🏍.
Okay 👌, okay 👌👌. Come on 🔛🔛, don't die ⚰. Don't die ⚰⚰⚰.
Don't pee. Don't pee.
Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 🔑🔑🔑 26. Everybody on 🔛 it.
What 😅 the hell is 🈶 he doing? Come on 🔛!
- Paul 👽👽👽, come on 🔛!
- Paulie, come on 🔛!
- What 😅's he doing?
- Come on 🔛🔛, Blart!
Blart, come on 🔛🔛!
- Let's go! Move it!
- Come on 🔛🔛! Come on 🔛🔛🔛!
- Get 🉐 out 🏎🏍 of there!
- Come on 🔛!
Is 🈶 he crying 😂?
- I can't leave her.
- Where 🤷's he going?
- Where 🤷's he going?
Blart, get 🉐🉐🉐 back ⬅️⬅️! Will you talk 🗣🗣🗣 to him, please 🙏🙏🙏?
Blart, this ⬆ is 🈶 Brooks. What 😅's going on 🔛🔛?
Sir 👨👨, I took a sworn oath to protect this ⬆ mall 🏬 and all inside it.
What 😅 oath? We don't have 🈶🈶 an oath.
I sort of made up ☝☝ my own. It's on 🔛🔛🔛 a plaque in my room.
Listen 👂, I think 🤔🤔 you're 👉 making a big mistake.
SWAT's on 🔛🔛🔛 the way ↕️.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're 👉 untrained, you're 👉 unarmed,
and let's face 😀😀😀 it, son, you present 🎁 a huge target 🎯.
With all due respect, sir 👨👨, I can't observe and report from the outside.
Well, Sergeant, looks like 😄😄 you got your 👉 eyes 🤩🤩 on 🔛🔛 the inside.
Amy, Paul 👽 Blart here 👈👈. Are you still in the mall 🏬🏬🏬?
Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Think 🤔🤔🤔. Think 🤔🤔. Think 🤔🤔🤔, think 🤔🤔🤔, think 🤔🤔🤔, think 🤔🤔, think 🤔🤔, think 🤔, think 🤔! Think 🤔🤔!
Hold it together.
Heart 😍😍😍 of a warrior.
I missed lunch 🥪🥪🥪.
Thank 🙏 you.
This ⬆ isn't happening, this ⬆ is 🈶 not happening.
Hey 👋! Don't make this ⬆ hard.
You like 😄😄 that?
Brooks, I took out 🏎🏍 a girl 👶, but the guy 👦, he ran away.
- Wow 😮😮, Paul 👽, you got one 1️⃣.
- Yes 👍👍.
But let the record 🎬🎬🎬 show 📺📺, I did not hit 👊👊 a woman 👧👧👧. I just...
I put all my weight ⚖⚖ on 🔛🔛🔛 her.
Oh, Paul 👽.
No 😣, no 😣😣, no 😣. She's fine, she's fine.
Well, good 👌👍🏾, let's get 🉐 you out 🏎🏍 of there.
No 😣 can do, sir 👨👨. I am gonna finish what 😅 I started.
What 😅 the heck is 🈶 this ⬆?
Give me that.
Paul 👽👽👽, this ⬆ is 🈶 Sergeant Howard again.
Since you refuse to come out 🏎🏍, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank 🏦
and find 🔍🔍 out 🏎🏍 where 🤷 they're holding the hostages.
With honor, sir 👨👨.
Good 👌👍🏾 to know 🤔.
Hey 👋, I haven't heard back ⬅️⬅️ from Donner or Vixen.
Okay 👌👌. I'm calling 📲 an audible here 👈👈, everyone.
And I need to get 🉐 this ⬆ mall 🏬🏬 locked down ⬇⬇ from the inside immediately.
Why 🤔 don't we just start 🆕 wasting hostages? That'll stop ✋✋ them.
Well, that's one 1️⃣ way ↕️↕️ to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
I'm Commander Kent. My team 👥 is 🈶 deploying. I need this ⬆ location 🗺 secured.
- We got a three 3️⃣-block perimeter...
- Establish a perimeter
and get 🉐 all these people 👫👫👫 out 🏎🏍 of here 👈👈.
Whoa 😮😮, whoa 😮, this ⬆ is 🈶 all done already.
My men 👴 are gonna do it again, the right 👉👉 way ↕️↕️.
Have 🈶 your 👉 guys fall 🍁 back ⬅️⬅️, now. Have 🈶 there been any demands?
- A Happy 😀 Meal 🍽🍽 and absolute silence 📴📴.
- Well, let's make some noise 🔊.
I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
Let's tap 🚱🚱 into security 🛡 now, and let's get 🉐 some visuals.
You can't. They knocked out 🏎🏍 the video 📼 cameras.
I'll be ready to take on 🔛-scene command in three 3️⃣3️⃣, two ✌, one 1️⃣1️⃣. I'm in charge.
Brooks, I'm observing the bank 🏦 now.
They got one 1️⃣1️⃣ assailant guarding the hostages.
There she is 🈶.
My, God. You are my angel 😇 pie 🥧🥧🥧.
Here 👈👈 come the love 😍 sweats.
Paul 👽, your 👉 radio 📻📻's still on 🔛.
- What 😅's going on 🔛🔛🔛? Who 💁 is 🈶 that?
- We got a guy 👦👦 on 🔛🔛 the inside.
Don't tell 🗣 me one 1️⃣ of your 👉 beat cops is 🈶 trying to be a hero.
No 😣, he's neither. His name is 🈶 Blart. He's one 1️⃣ of my security 🛡 guards.
- Wait 🚏 a minute. Blart?
- Yeah 🙌.
- Paul 👽👽 Blart?
- Yeah 🙌.
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser 🏳 in high 🆙🆙🆙 school 🎓. Give me that.
This ⬆ is 🈶 Commander James Kent. New 🆕🆕 Jersey 🇯🇪🇯🇪🇯🇪 SWAT.
We went to high 🆙 school 🎓🎓🎓 together. Remember?
I set you on 🔛🔛🔛 fire 🔥🔥🔥 at the pancake festival 🎅?
Oh, yeah 🙌. Hey 👋, Jimmy.
Go Green 🤢🤢 Hawks.
Yeah 🙌, listen 👂👂. I've 🙋 got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out 🏎🏍 here 👈👈.
At my command, we are retaking this ⬆ location 🗺,
and there's no 😣 way ↕️ I'm compromising this ⬆ mission so that some mall 🏬 monitor 💻💻💻
who 💁 used to eat 🍽🍽 lunch 🥪🥪 with his imaginary friend 🐶🐶 can screw it up ☝.
Sorry 💔💔, Jimmy, I had the button ⚫ pressed. All I heard was "lunch 🥪" and "friend 🐶🐶."
Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back ⬅️⬅️ on 🔛?
Listen 👂👂👂 to me, Blart,
you are no 😣😣😣 longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is 🈶 that clear?
Yeah 🙌? Oh, hey 👋, Paul 👽👽, how 🤔 you doing?
Well, it looks like 😄😄 they moved the hostages into the teller area.
I'm gonna get 🉐🉐 a closer look 👁👁.
There he is 🈶!
- Everyone in the back ⬅️ room, now!
- Come on 🔛🔛, move, move!
Let's get 🉐🉐🉐 in the back ⬅️, huh 😕?
Brooks. I lost 🏳 visual on 🔛🔛 the hostages. I couldn't get 🉐🉐 them out 🏎🏍.
But I know 🤔 who 💁 the leader 👑 is 🈶. It's Veck.
Veck? The trainee?
- No 😣. The brainee.
- I don't believe this ⬆.
I'll pass 🎫🎫 it on 🔛 to Howard.
Trapped is 🈶 fine by me.
Commence tanning. Three 3️⃣3️⃣, two ✌, one 1️⃣.
Time ⌚ for some big-game 🎱🎱 hunting.
Open 👐👐, open 👐, open 👐👐! Thank 🙏 God.
Oh, no 😣.
Sir 👨👨👨! Sir 👨👨! Sir 👨! Sir 👨👨! Sir 👨! Sir 👨👨👨! We get 🉐🉐🉐 it!
Get 🉐🉐🉐 him! Get 🉐 him! Get 🉐 him!
You better run 🏃.
- Rudolph, where 🤷 are you?
- I'm about to end 🔚 this ⬆.
Amy, huh 😕? What 😅 a coincidence.
We got a cute little redhead down ⬇⬇ at the bank 🏦 named Amy.
- Strawberry 🍓🍓 blonde 👱♀️👱♀️, actually.
- Yeah 🙌?
Well, I guess I know 🤔 who 💁 I'm killing first 🥇.
Well, it looks like 😄 you just ran out 🏎🏍 of mall 🏬🏬.
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this ⬆.
Nobody wins with a head 💆 butt.
- Give me your 👉 cell phone 🤳.
- I don't have 🈶 one 1️⃣1️⃣.
What 😅 are you talking about? Every kid 👦 has a cell phone 🤳🤳.
I prefer handwritten sentiments.
Who 💁 are these sloppy joes for? And who 💁 gave you this ⬆?
They're mine. I'm late 🕐 for my shift at Foot Locker.
We're getting the leader 👑 on 🔛 the horn 🦏. He wants to talk 🗣🗣 to you.
Silence 📴📴, my ass 🍑.
What 😅's the matter? Throw a few jabs your 👉 way ↕️,
you curl up ☝ in a corner, suck 😜💦 your 👉 thumb?
If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
he's gonna roll 😋 over on 🔛 you all night 😴😴 long.
It's all right 👉👉. That's not my style 💈.
Well, just in case, I wrote down ⬇⬇ a couple 👰 of clever comebacks, like 😄😄...
This ⬆ is 🈶 what 😅 you been doing?
"Yeah 🙌, you and what 😅 army 🎖?"
- What 😅's wrong with that?
- He has an army 🎖🎖🎖.
Everyone deserves a card on 🔛🔛🔛 their birthday 🎂.
So when ⏰ you and Rudolph were laughing 🤣🤣 it up ☝☝ back ⬅️ at the crib
about how 🤔 easy all this ⬆ was gonna be, were you guys like 😄😄😄,
"Man 👦, any brain 🧠🧠-dead 💀 mall 🏬🏬 cop that gets in the way ↕️↕️↕️ is 🈶 gonna get 🉐 smoked"?
And then... And then what 😅? You guys all high 🆙-fived?
- Veck, this ⬆ guard is 🈶...
- Winning 🏅! I know 🤔 this ⬆, because I am all set!
But sadly, no 😣😣😣 codes!
And I'd say 🗣, considering all the luxury items that I have 🈶 stacked up ☝☝
in my Amazon shopping 👖👖 cart, situation unacceptable!
No 😣😣😣, no 😣, no 😣, no 😣😣😣, no 😣😣, no 😣😣😣. He looking.
Give me a gun 🔫.
Put it down ⬇⬇. Put it down ⬇⬇.
What 😅 are you nodding about?
I was just wondering, were you serious 😒😒 about that Happy 😀😀 Meal 🍽?
It isn't coming, is 🈶 it?
This ⬆ is 🈶 Commander James Kent, New 🆕🆕 Jersey 🇯🇪🇯🇪🇯🇪 SWAT.
You wanted ⚠ to speak 📢 to me?
I just wanna make sure that no 😣😣 one 1️⃣1️⃣ does anything stupid.
You should know 🤔 my men 👴👴👴 are deployed and ready to bring this ⬆ thing to a resolution.
The easy way ↕️ or the hard way ↕️↕️.
That is 🈶 such a tough call, but...
Yeah 🙌, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above 🆙🆙!
I'm Amy, by the way ↕️.
- Amy? From unbeWEAVEable?
- Yeah 🙌.
I'm Maya. My father 👨 talked forever about you.
And I gotta say 🗣🗣, he really does like 😄😄 you.
I'm gonna throw up ☝☝.
Oh, that's not so bad 📉.
Oh, my God.
They've got his daughter.
- Dad 👨👨?
- Everything's gonna be okay 👌👌.
- How 🤔's your 👉 blood 💉💉 sugar?
Don't worry about me, okay 👌? I'm worried 😟😟 about you.
I love 😍 you. All right 👉, now, I'm gonna get 🉐 you all out 🏎🏍.
You just hang in there, okay 👌👌👌, sweetie?
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
Yeah 🙌. I'll see 👁 you soon 🔜.
I'm supposed to be on 🔛🔛 my way ↕️↕️ to the Cayman 🇰🇾🇰🇾 Islands 🇦🇽🇦🇽🇦🇽 with the hostages.
And where 🤷 the hell is 🈶 Rudolph? He should be back ⬅️⬅️⬅️ by now.
"If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman 🇰🇾🇰🇾🇰🇾 Islands 🇦🇽"?
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show 📺.
Come and get 🉐🉐🉐 me, Veck.
I got your 👉 codes for the credit-card machines.
- Yo 👋, you hear 👂👂 that? That's Paul 👽👽, baby 👶!
That's who 💁's been screwing all this ⬆ up ☝☝☝? You have 🈶 got to be kidding me.
Give me a radio 📻.
Let me tell 🗣 you something.
You take hostages in my mall 🏬🏬, you are making a big mistake.
You seriously undermissed...
And you seriously...
Oh, no 😣!
Blart? You there, Blart?
Hello 👋, Blart. You there?
Hey 👋, Blart!
I was hoping we could get 🉐🉐🉐 an ETA of when ⏰ you're 👉 gonna give up ☝☝.
How 🤔 about now?
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